Dr Sly Thering, a leading CSIRO biologist, has warned Canberrans to be cautious of politicians basking on hot surfaces.
“As members of the order squamata are cold-blooded,” the warning reads, “many species therein engage in a practice called basking. This entails lying on flat, often dark surfaces to absorb heat from the sun. Ideal surfaces for basking include rocks and, more dangerously, roads.”
Squamata consists of all snakes, lizards, and elected representatives. The warning explains that this behaviour, while necessary for politicians’ health, places drivers at immense risk.
Vehicle-politician collisions are largely fatal for drivers. Politicians, though battered, are often able to slither to the safety of parliament thereafter, to plot new ways of reducing the Australian population.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott, last seen basking on a street near the Lodge, was approached for comment. He was however unable to be understood as the approaching reporter did not speak Parseltongue.