I pull out a fresh packet of garbage bags from the drawer next to my bed. I rip open the plastic seal with my teeth, slowly pulling out two bags like a strip tease. I alluringly smooth them onto the bed and drape a large, Hello Kitty towel across the top. And only then I am ready to have sex with my boyfriend.
This pre-coital ceremony is certainly less than glamorous, but it’s much better than sleeping on the floor after I’ve soaked through both sides of my mattress.
Three months ago I would have promised you that the stain on my bed wasn’t pee. It can kinda smell like pee, the towel can definitely smell like pee, but I would have convinced you that it was not, in fact, pee. ‘It comes out clear,’ I would assure you. ‘It’s like a clear, stickyish fluid’, I would say; ‘It comes out of a different hole! I promise!.’
I guess I am what pop culture calls ‘a squirter’. When it first happened I thought I was broken. I spent years ignoring it and wishing it wouldn’t happen.
Sometimes when I orgasm it comes out in an abundant ‘gushing’ stream and, sure, it can ‘squirt’; squirt up or squirt down, squirt in different directions (depending on the placement of hands). And I still don’t know how special it is because people don’t really talk about it. I possibly talk about it too much.
I have always been thirsty for answers, but never lucky. Sexologists Masters and Johnson said female ejaculation wasn’t a legit thing because they didn’t find any evidence of women doing it in their sample of 100 women. There wasn’t even any research into the scientific breakdown of female ejaculate until 1982. I’ve done a lot of research, or as much as possible given how little interest the scientific community has in my vagina. I found theories that female ejaculation was a myth; I found long threads about how to make it happen on AskMen.com. I used to scour the Female Ejaculation Wikipedia page for information, back when there were only six references; now there are over 105 and counting.
I used to wonder why female ejaculation was such a neglected mystery. Why didn’t anyone talk about it and why weren’t there any studies? Then ironically, last year in Britain, depictions of female ejaculation were censored.
The British Board of Film Classification has a stick up its ass but won’t let you watch how it got there. Fisting, face-sitting and female ejaculation are out. The female orgasm won’t be represented because it’s too reminiscent of urolagnia—a sexual fetish with a focus on urine. Peeing on people is out too. In porn semen is always so in your face, how could they ban my squirting vagina?
Then, as vaginas around the world became the centre of censorship and controversy I finally started getting some answers. French gynaecologist Samuel Salama published a study in January 2015 about women’s bladders before and after they squirt. Ultrasounds revealed full bladders before, and empty bladders after. Not good news for the guys who have swallowed a significant amount of my ejaculate.
According to Beverley Whipple, a neurophysiologist from Rutgers University, female ejaculation now only refers to ‘the small amount of milky white liquid at orgasm’– not the “squirting” investigated in Salama’s paper. ‘Squirting’, however, is a bed-wetting tsunami: ‘urine diluted with substances from the female prostate.’ I was unimpressed with this conclusion.
I keep asking myself what it means now that my ejaculate contains quite a lot of piss. I also wonder how many guys feel embarrassed by the chemical breakdown of their cum. Sex with me was like a mystical hike through an enchanted wood and at the end you find the waterfall. Now even Hello Kitty finds it hard to romanticise a waterfall of wizz.