Listen up, gudgeon pins! We’re on the cusp of a metrosexual dystopia where people have forgotten the important lessons. Like how to drive, and how to love. Cars. Mostly how to drive and how to love cars. Now, it’s as obvious as a broken fan belt that you can’t love anything you can’t drive, and you can’t drive anything you haven’t named. That’s sacrilege of the highest gear order.
Firstly, you have to find the right car. Just like finding the right person in your life, you start with a basic idea of what you want: the right style, the right size, the right colour. You may well go through hundreds, perhaps thousands, of names for your beloved; more than any ol’ flesh-child.
And then, wham, it hits you. Not like a car hitting you, though, with the impact of 1.7 tons of metal propelled by 350 horsepower. Less. Like getting knocked in the chin by the boot opening a bit too quick. Wowee, you’ll wonder how you ever managed with any other name. Here are my top ten names for your boy or girl car.
Boy Car Names:
8. The Beast (If it’s a not shit ute)
7. Elvis (Don’t use ‘1’s for both the ‘l’ and ‘i’ on the number plate, it’s sloppy)
5. Eliot (ONE L AND ONE T ONLY!)
3. Guglielmo (For mid-size continental two-door hardtops)
2. Dazza (It’s very funny if you have a mate Dazza because it’s confusing)
Girl Car Names:
10. Sylvia (Hatchback girl car name)
7. Joanette (For a classy lady ute)
5. Martina (If it’s a sports model)
4. Melba (Compact SUV/people mover)
3. Porcelina (not for a Porsche, obviously)
Your car has been christened in the church of big vrooms! Happy Driving!