There has been customary elation across the Christian world this week as all Easter Eggs began their great hatching on Sunday.
Children and adults alike everywhere have woken up to smashed chocolate shells and trails of post-natal blood and offal all over the home as the horrible egg creatures within Easter eggs everywhere burst forth from their sweet prisons to perform their ancient Easter rite.
Pastor Greg McInnes says that this incredible act of literal birth is a reminder that the death of Christ on the cross is, fundamentally, a cause for celebration.
“It’s a time to think of Christ. Certainly to think of his death, but we mustn’t forget his resurrection! As the demented, chocolate, bird-rabbit forms claw and scream their way through their protective layer of chocolate and the foil that seals in their freshness, we are reminded of the sacrifice by which all willing may profit.”
Local mother Amelia Elder says that hers is a family happy to stick to tradition.
“Every year we’ve gotten our children Easter eggs and every year it’s a joy to watch them run and cry screaming as the malformed bastard children of a rabbit and a bird emerge from what they thought was a delicious candy treat.”
“If you think too hard about the tradition, it stops making all that much sense,” Elder says. “We find it’s best just to keep on and enjoy the season!”
As is customary, the horrible bipedal monsters wail at the moon and gnash their teeth for days before beginning the torturously slow process of dragging their bloodied, raspy bodies towards the ocean to commit mass suicide. Their perfectly soluble corpses will mix with the ocean and send it a beautiful shade of Easter gold to coincide with the end of the school holidays.
McInnes says it is a constant source of inspiration: “Of all the ways that God works, this is one of the most mysterious,” he says.
“Why? Dear God, why do you allow this?!”