A surgery set to break all kinds of records in the world of brain science has gone well this week, when a jock head was transplanted to the donor body of a nerd.
Corey Stephenson, a first grade NRL player for the Canterbury Bulldogs, was tragically crippled after a horse riding accident in July last year, and scheduled to have a head transplant (the first of its kind) this month. While doctors had hoped to find a body as similar to Stephenson’s as possible, his atrophying limbs and spine meant that performing the operation as quickly was possible was imperative. A nerd body was the only on hand.
“The exercise raises all sorts of questions about the future viability of the surgery,” Dr Mark Prince of the Royal North Shore Hospital stated at press time “While the body has not rejected the head in the medical sense of the word, it is clear that Stephenson (if we accept his mind is within his brain) has certainly rejected the body. We’ve stuck him to a nerd after all.”
The pioneering surgery required a team of more than 160 doctors and nurses working for thirty-six consecutive hours, severing and then reconnecting the nerves, spinal cord, flesh and arteries of both the donor and the recipient.
“It certainly was an oversight to allow a donor body that was so weak – especially given the dumb brain we were putting on it. It does make you wonder whether the person, if you could call this abomination as much, that has come out the other side is actually Corey, or some sort of hideous, dumb, weak freak.”
Stephenson says he is unperturbed by the troubling questions that the failed procedure poses to the nature of identity.
“I’m not a fucking nerd!” Stephenson bellowed, while pounding his new, pathetic nerd chest with his pathetic nerd arms.
Psychologists and philosophers alike have speculated about the implications the surgery would have for Stephenson’s sense of self with some experts theorising a new kinds of “super madness” for the head of a sport’s star sewn onto the scrawny frame of a dweeb.
It seems that, while surgery was technically a success, not everyone is entirely happy with the outcome of the operation.
“I wanna beat myself up!” an incredibly distressed Stephenson sobbed at press time.