SRC ELECTIONS 2018
Comedy //

Melbournites Relieved as Police Cancel One of 100,000 Racist Operations

The Garter Press went off the grid a long time ago.

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Operation Fortitude Organisers At Today’s Press Conference.

Protesters celebrated today after word that Operation Fortitude, one of the 100,000 currently operating police procedures that disproportionately targets people of colour, has been cancelled.

“It certainly feels good to be able to walk the CBD without feeling picked upon,” said Robert Deora, who is allegedly brown and still subject to daily racial profiling from traffic police, a high rate of random bomb searches from airport security, and a disproportionate number of cold approaches from sniffer dogs. “Finally, I’m able to walk outside and feel safe [as long as I’m dressed a certain way, and it’s daytime, and I’m surrounded by ample white friends]”, he continued.

However, documents leaked to The Garter Press suggest that the operation was cancelled not due to public pressure, but because a number of high ranking ABF officials are just British citizens overstaying their holiday visas. “These ‘non-citizens’ are unlikely to be targeted in future operations, due to their ability to camouflage themselves among regular Australians like you or I”, said Victorian Police Commissioner Graham Ashton, née Mountbatten, in a posh voice. There was also concern that Queen Elizabeth II, who authorises all passports but does not carry one herself, could be accidentally deported due to her Germanic heritage. “And wouldn’t that be a bit of a gaffe?” the Police Commissioner concluded.

At press time, the ABF indicated that resources from Operation Fortitude would be redirected to Secret Operation Reclaim Australia.