Art by Michael Lotsaris
Running With Scissors
Woah there Mister! Where’s the fire? You keep running around like that and you’re liable to poke an eye out. Or worse! Now go inside and wash up for dinner, your old man’s enjoying his cigarillo *cough* *cough*.
This Spooky Rollercoaster That Euthanises Its Participants
From Wikipedia: The ride’s seven inversions would inflict 10 g on its passengers for 60 seconds—causing g-force related symptoms starting with grey out through tunnel vision to black out. Subsequent inversions would serve as insurance against unintentional survival of particularly robust passengers. And you just know it would be a five token ride at Luna Park, even though they only sell tokens in sets of four, which is silly because how are you even going to use those surplus tokens?
Investing your rainy day fund in Michael from up the street’s start-up.
This is a million dollar idea, y’gotta get in on the ground floor. I swear, two-three months and we’ll be off. It’s a game changer, it’s disruptive, it’s an app, and those tech monkeys in Silicon Valley are going to be kicking themselves they didn’t come up with it first. All our problems—poof! You know I need this. I promise it’s not a pyramid scheme.
Leaving Your Children In The Car While You Go Grocery Shopping
As long as you leave the window cracked and give them a bottle of water to share they’ll be fine.
Going Off The Grid
I know you read sixty pages of Into The Wild and decided this was the life for you, but if you just read a little further you’ll have a pretty good summary of how your Arts degree handling, can’t-change-a-tyre minded, picky-eating self will survive out there.
So Palestine gets it Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays; and Israel gets it Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays. Then we just alternate Sabbaths till the Rapture.
Following Your Dreams
Because you’re probably more suited to low-to-medium-level administration work.
Naming your child ‘Daesh’.
Which is not to say you should go with Isis.
Re-distributing income based on need.
Agreeing To That Road Race Around Dead Man’s Curve
C’mon, you can’t let Chet dictate your life—you don’t have to be afraid of him! And you’re the best driver in all of Riverwood. The only way he can beat you is by cheating and you’re already miles ahead. Handling feels a little loose though. Come to think about it, was that Chet’s cronies near Dad’s garage last night? Do I smell break fluid?
Thought Activated Explosives