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Satan appoints Scalia to Supreme Undercourt

Court reporter Peter Walsh crossed over to bring you this, and now he can’t come home. 

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Lucifer, the Judeo-Christian figure known as the Devil, today named Antonin Scalia, 79, to the Bench of the Supreme Undercourt, Hell’s highest judicial body.

“When we speak of judicial activists, we can’t go past Antonin Scalia,” said Lucifer on the eve of his appointment. “Every decision he made somehow changed things for the better down here.”

Scalia, whose achievements including dissenting against a woman’s right to abortion, dissenting against affirmative action, and forfeiting his soul in exchange for jurisprudential genius at a railway crossroads in Indiana, 1959, is expected to join the undercourt’s conservative wing.

The Supreme Undercourt has since The Fall been the preeminent site of judicial debate, and is staffed by Hell’s many lawyers. Famous past decisions include: St. Augustine v Pelagius, which decided all unbaptised babies go to hell, and Charon v Mansfield Trafficking Pty Ltd, which placed a ban on tariffs for trade along the River Styx.

On the bench, Scalia will be joined by Jack The Ripper, Genghis Khan, a particularly unsavoury ex-Mosmanite named Paul, Margaret Thatcher, and Amelia Earhart —who was secretly very racist. He fills a vacancy created after it became obvious Adnan Syed wouldn’t get the chair.