University of Sydney to Replace ATAR with Nerd Quota

Victoria Zerbst & Jacob Henegan report.

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The University of Sydney will lead the attack on declining academic standards by instigating a minimum intake of Nerds.

University management has deemed the ATAR a poor judge of future academic performance and will be switching to admissions criteria like ‘size of anime collection’, “opinions on bitcoin” and “uncomfortableness at parties”.

Marie Fairfield, the University’s Talent Acquisition Manager, told Honi that the University has ‘‘classes full of students in top academic disciplines who have never even written a single blog post on why teleportation is a strictly better superpower than flying”.

However, as Nerd Culture becomes more mainstream, the challenge of identifying the truly unfuckable weirdos who make the best research candidates might grow increasingly difficult.

Staff members noted that top students used to be hated enough to retreat into really innovative research. These days intelligence is so celebrated that well-adjusted and popular all-rounders are taking valuable University places from the basement dwellers who make Sydney University great.

The Vice-Chancellor said the move would lift academic standards, which have suffered due to students’ ‘impressive social skills and cool interests like drugs.’

The new policy will take effect for students commencing their studies in 2017 so that students have enough time to purchase loose fitting t-shirts with chemistry puns and watch good movies like Star Trek.