Comedy //

Four People Who Died Too Soon (Because I Assassinated Them)

Will Edwards either shot Franz Ferdinand or wrote Take Me Out. Same difference.

The unyielding spectre of death looms over us all, eternal and immutable. We are, all of us, constantly hurtling towards the Void. But some of us arrive sooner than anticipated, their descents accelerated by the macabre hands of experts in the art of mortality. I am one such expert, and this listicle is the tale of four souls I banished to the Void.

1: Ryan Taylor

You will revile me upon learning that Ryan was but a child, but heed my words: I do not decide these things. I must answer the summons of the ritual. And when performed properly, I am bound to obey the ritualist. Ryan’s name was spoke, Ryan’s blood was spilled. I will spare you the method of execution.

2: David Taylor

Skulking from Ryan’s cursed room, I approached the master bedroom to find David fast asleep. A soft light emanated from his iPad, displaying his wife Susan’s Ashley Madison profile. He was surrounded by empty beer bottles. In truth I pitied David, and so performed the sacrament of murder quickly. Killing him was merciful.

3: JFK

I also killed JFK. But that was decades before the Taylor family, I just thought you should know.

4: Susan Taylor

I drove David’s car to the house of Susan’s lover, where I barred the doors and windows from without. The flames spread quickly. Fire pleases the Dreadlord of the Void; when bodies burn away, souls can reach him quicker. Thus ended my ignoble quest. Sometimes I wonder who brought death to the Taylors (the ritualist masked their face) and why. But then it is not my place to know. I am but a humble instrument of the dark cause. I merely serve and obey.