Comedy //

How To Date IRL

Ann Ding wants to bring the romance back.

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Are you feeling lonely? Is the only dating you do through the massive catalogue of apps on your phone that have all been organised into a category labelled “Other”, including that one weird BDSM one even though you’re not really into that scene?

Well how’s about you put that gizmo away and try these tips to help you attract some real-world action!

1. Give them a lock of your hair. The more hair, the better. Give them all your hair. Not just your head hair, either. You have to be thorough. This also makes you resemble an oversized baby, which is excellent because they’ll want to hold you and take care of you. Score!

2. Be sure to be well groomed whenever you’re around potential dates. Press your shirts. Polish your Crocs. Lick your eyebrows.

3. Everyone loves someone who can bust a move on the dance floor, so show your potential new mate how you get down. Clean your feathers, inflate your throat sac, fan out your iridescent chest scales – pull out all the stops. Don’t forget to pee everywhere so your sexy, musky scent is unavoidable.

4. Gearing up to hold hands with that special someone? Slip a sneaky squirt of superglue into your palm. Nothing says a cheeky ‘I’m into you’ like fusing the skin of your hands together!

5. Want to write a romantic letter to your new love, but worried that they’ll laugh at your unsightly handwriting? Show off your craft skills instead by pasting together a fun colourful letter out of words from your favourite magazines. It’ll look zany and unique, just like you! If you decide to write more letters though, it’s important you don’t deviate from the point. Just write their name over and over and over again.