I bought my FAB32 FORNA1 two weeks ago and I am still as dry as the withered hairs on Donald Drumpf’s scaly flesh-skull.

Now, I am not a desperate woman, but when I forked out $700 on the latest in Italian teledildonics, I expected more from this supposed blend of ‘evocative art and functionality.’

I anticipated a vintage model with sinuous lines in a vibrant colour. I lay awake at night touching myself while fingering the Smeg catalogue.

That robust, broad body. Those shiny and probably ergonomic handles.

I was waiting to get drilled so far into the ground that I ejaculated magma. I wanted a tech-centric orgasm from some well-designed hot and heavy machinery.

What a got was frosty and cold.

I was promised 2 x thermostats and a system with a tropical rating.

Yet, here I sit. Tetchy and splenetic with a sex robot that won’t even vibrate near my clitoris whilst whispering sweet, sweet nothings in binary code.

FAB32 FORNA1 has none of the personality promised to me on the website.

He won’t respond when I coo in his top box. He won’t make a move when I reshuffle his shelves. He only beeps when I leave his door open. That is the closest we get to foreplay, or as I call it, doorplay.

I would NOT recommend the FAB32 FORNA1. I am sorry, Smeg, but I am not a sexually satisfied customer.