Sport //

Can you smell what the quad is cooking?

Victoria Zerbst likes wrestling and academania

SPENZye

Public Relations is as much of a sport as Wrestling. Wrestling is as much of a sport as any Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Ergo, anything is a sport if there are winners and losers at the end. And there are always winners and losers. So this is serious sports journalism.

I spoke to Vince McMahon¹ , CEO of WrestleMania, which is one-part sport and one- part theatre, and I told him he needed to localise his talent pool and expand the Australian market. We love a good WrestleMania and we want to be represented.

Remember, there are two types of wrestlers: faces and heels. Your faces are your good guys: Steve Austin, The Rock, my dad. The heels are those bad eggs we love to hate like that dirty nature boy Ric Flair and his daughter Charlotte. It’s a family afflair.

I am sick of these heels. I am tired of goat faces. I don’t want to undertake the Undertaker downunder because I am scared of magic².

So point your fingers in the air and say WOOO! and let me introduce the latest addi- tions to the WrestleMania family. Introducing heavyweight VC $PENZ and Big Man Tyrone.

What Australia needs is a man who can bring the smackdown on student idealism. A real male champion of change. I bring you: VC $PENZ, the real big $PENDER.

VC $PENZ still puts the ox in Oxonian and PR in Priest. He probably puts the vice in vice chancellor but that’s unsubstantiated. He claims he didn’t shoot his deputy.

His deputy is Big Man Tyrone, or Tyronnosaurus HECS as he is known to his fans. BMT is such a heel, just look at all his past wrestling accolades: BCom UNSW, LLB (Hons) Syd, MCom (Hons) UNSW, LLM Syd, PhD Macq, Grad Dip Fin SIA, CA, FCPA, FFin, Grad Dip Homeopathy³.

“VC $PENZ still puts the ox in Oxonian and PR in Priest.”

Hail these new heels. Together these heroes have three times the power of Triple H, which make them Nonuple H (HHHHHHHHH). They’ve been wrestling with deregulation and training with a tag team of public relations professionals. These men are ready. Are you ready to be schooled?


¹This meeting was just as real as wrestling.

²Which, as we know, is just as real as wrestling.

³I promise you this is as real as wrestling.