Comedy //

Dear Dark Dolly Doctor Sealed Section, Show Me Inventive Ways to Jerk It

Oliver Moore knows what Cleo and Cosmo won’t tell you.

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The Honeypot

This orgasming-ensuring tradition comes all the way from the ancient Egyptians. It is rumoured that Cleopatra herself has used this incredible technique for her pleasure, so if that’s not an endorsement, I don’t know what is! To begin, fill a jar with bees. We recommend Australian native bees, which don’t sting, but whatever you have available should work just fine.

Then, squat over the unlidded jar, such as to ensure that the only place a bee can go is inside you. From there, just wait – you’ll know it when it happens!

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

For our next technique, take a long, cylindrical candle. Lying flat on your back, insert the non- wicked end inside you. Then, light the wick. When the flame enters you, manually stimulate your clitoris, if you have one, or another erogenous zone. The payoff is amazing!

More Like GREATfruit, Amirite?

This one really requires a penis, so, if you’re not lucky enough to have one, use a dildo or other pseudo-phallus of your own choosing. Next, take one large grapefruit and cut a hole in the rind approximately the size of a twenty-cent piece.

Then stick your dick in it. Just fuck it. Go right at it. Come on, you know you want to.

Bean-Flicking

Our next technique is for those of you who really want to do something freaky! To begin, take at least a cup of a bean of your choice. They can be cooked or uncooked, or a mixture of the two to mix it up a little. [Eds note: For safety reasons, we strongly discourage the use of lentils in this activity.]

Then, from a sitting position, one at a time, flick these beans towards your genitals. In order to speed things up, you might like to ask a partner to help you out.

Have you tried any of these scintillating techniques? If you have, please send The Cursor a sext on 0450044068.