Misc, Social //

How to host a housewarming

Victoria Zerbst wants to warm your home and your heart.

Inner-West-House7 copy

You can afford to pay over $200 a week to live in the Inner West AND you live with cool university friends. You need to have a house warming party to celebrate this cool and independent time in your life.

House warming parties are generally informal. Usually there are no planned activities besides a possible tour.¹

Get the event up at least two months before the party so people can get really pumped. You are going to need a cool cover photo that says I am cool and good at photo shopping my housemates’ faces onto movie posters or other cultural items. It can be a bit shit cause you are students and need that grunge feel.

You live in a quaint 3-bedroom terrace, it’s cozy and small so you need to invite 300 people. Each housemate should invite 50-80 people each. That’s the minimum. Also, if you want your party to be really dank, don’t forget to invite all the Honi editors you know. They are such a big deal. People think they like you if they turn up and drink your wine.

Leading up to the event select the most popular housemate and make them to post a funny gif or meme to keep the event pumping.

The day before, make a really chill and breezy post letting your friends know that you don’t really care if they come or not. Then let mild panic set in. There are so many 21sts this weekend. Will people even turn up? Tell your 120 ‘attending’ guests they can all bring plus ones and plus ones for the plus ones.

The panic. You have invited way too many people. Your house is too small and your neighbours already hate you.

On the day of the event, buy some cheap wine for punch and remind that one friend they cannot fuck on your bed.²

Get blind drunk. Don’t even look at the damage being made to your new place. Get Alex out of your fucking room. Get your most sober housemate to turn the music off at midnight cause you don’t want to piss of your neighbours. They already hate you.

Try to get everyone to hit the Marly. Please God get out of my house. It’s too hot in the corridor and I think someone vommed on the carpet in the bathroom.


¹This is pulled directly from Wikipedia. It’s funnier if you know that. It’s funnier (and more true) than anything we would have come up with.

²Seriously, Alex, you CANNOT fuck on my bed. I will know if you do. Don’t even think about it.