Comedy //

Wine pairings for your sex

Ellie Rogers had a lot of sex and Oliver Moore drank a lot of wine

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Missionary

Affordable enough to support frequent use and tasteless enough that you don’t care, we recommend a Shiraz Cab.

Doggy style

Spice it up a bit with some sexy Sangria! As you’re letting your sex life off the metaphorical leash, why not do the same for your taste buds and soak up the flavoursome Spanish juices.

That complicated one from the Kama Sutra where you’re not sure where your arms are supposed to be

You’re thinking big and I like that. Reward your ambition with an equally daring pairing and down a vintage Grange like the fat cat you aspire to be. Just be careful not to spill it on your Persian carpet as you attempt to mimic the rather unhelpful diagram in your leather bound copy of the Kama Sutra.

Standing

The only conceivable reason you’re fucking standing up and not in the comfort of your own conventional bed is because you’re at an event, and a Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Noir will be the only wines on offer, so grab one from a nearby waiter and enjoy.

69ing

Let’s face it, no-one has ever enjoyed this. There’s pubes in your face, you’re trying to balance, on your elbows, or alternatively attempting not to suffocate in your partner’s genitals. It’s unpleasant, and tastes like regret and being 16, so what better to pair it with than some Fruity Lexia? Drink like you’ve seen this in porn and want to impress someone two years older than you who definitely should be fucking someone their own age.

Spooning

You’re sensualists, you like to make weird 180 degree neck bends so that you can make eye contact and also be touching. Rosé is just soft enough, light a candle for some ambiance.

Sexless Night Spent Alone

Someone left a Riesling at your place that no one drunk at the party, and now it’s all you have. Swig it from the bottle or sip gently from the glassware that’s too nice for everyday use as you masturbate in the ad break of The Block.