Culture //

Courtyard Couture

Thomas Sydney St. John reviews the latest collection from the Sydney Store

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Sometimes, despite being a world-acclaimed fashion blogger/commentator/trendsetter, you draw the short straw. When Honi approached me with this latest brief, naturally I assumed they’d be wanting to fly me to Paris or Tokyo, perhaps Milan for fashion week. No. I was sequestered to analyse the USU’s crapulous line of sartorial vomit, presumably born from the hellbroth of the River Hades. But I’m a born fashionista, and I’ll be damned if I quit now.

fashionista

/ˈfaʃ(ə)n/ –

  1. a designer/lover of haute couture
  2. someone who has more photos of strangers on their Instagram feed than friends
  3. someone who uses the word ‘epaulettes’ unironically
  4. me, right now – let’s nail these degenerates to the wall

Varsity Jackets – $120.00 (No, seriously. No, I’m not kidding. Yes, actually)

Great job on this one bozos! I mean YIKES, Coco Chanel is probably twisting in her well-perfumed, minimalist grave. No seriously I guess these look fine (cue: raised eyebrows emoji), but they seem to be designed by someone who went to university for three weeks in the 70s and spent the rest of their days watching Degrassi High re-runs.

I’ve never actually heard someone refer to Sydney University as “S.U”. Is this ‘a thing’ I’ve missed? Does the designer of this jacket assume we want to look like we were home-grown in the gut of half-wit Americana – is this an appealing prospect to people? Why are they trying to make us look like the unused extras from The Breakfast Club? If someone mentioned “S.U.” in conversation, I’d ask them what they meant. If they said they went to Some University, or they routinely Sacrificed Underwear, or that they considered themselves Sumptuous Uncles…literally any acronym bar one, I’d be fine with it. If they said they went to Sydney University, and then looked at me with that “how do you not know that?” face, I’d likely orchestrate a plot to drown them in whatever brand of artisanal coffee they most frequently gulp.

4pk Shotglasses – $30.00 (“WAS $39.95!”)

So for this one, I really needed to think. Which was hard, because I generally try and push myself to my least lucid state of mind when constructing these articles. According to the description, “These sleek and modern shotglasses come boxed and feature our two famous bars, Hermann’s & Manning, as well as our signature lion and crest engraved.” Firstly, sleek and modern? The couturier has a real hide asking 30 bucks for such overtly lazy design. The only reason I can think to buy these is if you think you’re household clean-up pile is looking a little uninteresting. That these are marked down is unsurprising.

Tie, Silk – $47.00

Do you go to college? Do you feel like you’re not roasted enough? Has your Old Boys tie faded? Fret no more, friend! I’m starting to think the designer is getting inspiration from the Tumblr page of someone trapped in Target overnight.

Scarf, Definitely Not Silk – $29.00

If you want to look the love-child of a Hawthorn Hawks fan and a bumblebee, you can find it at Uni Mart, in the “Flammable” section.

Double Stripe Crewneck Jumper – $74.95

If you have a spare week’s food money lying about, and you’re feeling cold but want to look like an audience member at a Nirvana concert, Usyd (or is it ‘S.U’?) caters for you. I think the designer released this specific Uni-branded sartorial atrocity in response to the question – what if someone turned a gum wrapper into an item of clothing?