Here’s How Jeb Could Still Win
Ann Ding reports.
As the counting begins in more and more states in the U.S., we at Honi have been crunching the numbers and we’ve figured out how our beloved bespectacled baby Jeb Bush could still take out the presidency.
The plan? As Donald Trump goes up to do his victory speech, all Jeb needs to do is put a banana peel on the floor in his path. He’ll slip on the banana peel and go crashing to the floor! How embarrassing! Haha! And as successive candidates come forward to try and take his place – more banana peels! Everywhere! They won’t be able to stop themselves slipping and sliding to their respective demises.
And who will be left at the end, still standing, having eaten upwards of 25 bananas? Who will rise above? You all know who.
Trump more and more likely to grab victory by the pussy.
Oliver Moore cannot take it anymore.
From Campaign chair to inhouse cook? Podesta’s new role as Clinton’s ‘spiritcooking’ White House chef. Stephanie Barahona reports.
President Clinton’s former Hillary for America Campaign chair has found an unlikely new job in the Oval office. Alongside his brother Tony, John Podesta will now serve as Clinton’s personal White House chef. Her preferred meals he says, ‘a single hot red chilli pepper, dipped in a soup of boiled human bone in a spirit-cooked broth.’ ‘I must say he is a better cook then he was a manager,’ President Clinton jeered.
Clifford the big red dog wins by write in votes, everybody is happy. Perri Roach has some good news.
This didn’t actually happen but I wish it did. I love that big red dog. How great would it be to watch Clifford the big red dog getting sworn in as president. Imagine Clifford putting his gigantic red paw on the bible. Would they get a really large bible for him, or would it just be a normal sized bible. Imagine his presidential address. Imagine Clifford woofing into a tiny microphone. Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWwIyKOCrd8
Honi’s America Correspondent Checks In:
“I still have no idea where I am. Is anyone going to help me?”
Australian with no American friends continues to urge Americans to vote. Perri Roach reports.
An Australian citizen who does not have any American friends has posted a Facebook status urging Americans to remember to vote in today’s presidential election. “Please get out there and vote,” the status read, “you have a democratic right and it’s important to exercise it!” The status garnered seven likes and a ‘wow’ reaction.
American Ballet Teachers Disappointed By Youths’ Poor Turnout. Max Hall reports from the floor.
Hillary Attempts to Bury Bernie, Shocked To Discover After 12 Days That He Is In Fact, Jesus. Noa Zulman has more.
After failed attempts by Clinton to bury her radical rival once and for all, Sanders has risen from the dead on the day of elections. Those who witnessed his resurrection say it bears stark similarities to that of Jesus Christ himself.
Bernie Bros the world over are celebrating with messianic fervour.
“We told you he’d be back.”
Live Inauguration Day Coverage 2017: President Trump could leave tiny orange handprint on bible as he is sworn into office. Stephanie Barahona reports.
With First Lady Melania by his side, Donald Trump might be sworn into office, taking the Oath of presidential office and leaving an orange handprint on the cover of the Bible. You could almost imagine him saying this: ‘Frankly, I blame it on the Cheetos I had on my jet ride over here…one of the greatest American products I must add…since trump streaks,’ According to several eyewitnesses, this will be one of ‘tiniest handprints’ ever seen, even smaller than that of a ‘newborn baby.’
Trump Voters Retract Support, Stating “He’s Just Too Orange To Be White”. Ann Ding with more.
Insta-Famous Makeup Blogger Discovers Trump’s Brand of Fake Tan: “Orange Is the New Alt-White”. Noa Zulman has more.
In an unprecedented move for beauty bloggers, Instagram famed make-up artist @melaniamagic has uncovered one of the U.S’ greatest scandals to date with her discovery of Donald Trump’s signature brand of fake-tan. ‘Orange is the New Alt-White’ boasts an ultra-strength agent that is perfect for your school formal, a summer in Bali, or a Republican Convention.
Simpson’s predictions are a self-fulfilling prophecy: Trump might win, metamorphosis into four-fingered yellow civilisation could follow.
Justine Landis-Hanley reports.
Clinton buoyed by high lizardman turnout
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton has gained a late confidence boost today as early exit polling showed a record turnout among Illuminati lizardmen masquerading as humans. Long considered an untapped base, many lizardmen were voting today for the first time, and sometimes more than once. “I’m pretty apolitical but I was stirred to action,” said Glycon Zahhak, briefly removing his humanlike face mask. “It’s just such an honour to support Secretary Clinton’s historic push to be the first Illuminati, New World Order, body-double-who-has-pneumonia president.”
Honi’s America Correspondent Checks In:
Help, I’m stuck in the middle of Smoke Creek Desert in Nevada. How did I get here?
We can’t find Ann Ding.
Lena Dunham Endorses Clinton With Shocking Confession: “I Jerked Off To Hillary As A Teen” justwhitegirlthings. Noa Zulman has more.
Following the resounding success of her auto-biography ‘Not That Kinda Girl,’ Lena Dunham has officially offered her support for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming election. Dunham spoke to her long-held attraction for the presidential candidate. “I don’t know what it is… white women in positions of power just really turn me on.”
GOP ELEPHANT ENDORSES CLINTON
In a shocking last minute reveal, the GOP elephant has broken silence to weigh in on the 2016 election. Following a spate of endorsements for Clinton by prominent republican figures in the last weeks of the campaign, the Elephant has urged republicans to vote for Hillary.
Pachy Derm, the symbol of the GOP since 1874, has seen their share of election mishap in their day, but in a statement this morning called 2016 the most tumultuous election in their memory. “This is straight up cooked guys. Vote for Hillary. I can’t believe it’s taking a cartoon elephant to convince you but seriously? Get it the fuck together.”
Other notable cartoon elephants endorsing Hillary: Horton, Dumbo, Elephantine. Babar is voting for Trump.