University societies are not measured by the debauchery of their balls or the bloodthirstiness of their infighting, but in the contents of their goody bags.
Subski: A voucher for any cocktail at Scubar, where the discount percentage is proportional to the amount of clothing you’ve removed (the cocktail must contain Captain Morgan spiced rum). You also receive a can of Lynx Dark Temptation, and custom-Subski condoms, but no lube.
Evangelical Union: Apple-flavoured lube. No condom.
Michael Spence Appreciation Society: MSAS have upped the ante this year with an oak-framed portrait featuring the vice chancellor polishing his Order of Australia medallion.
Business Society: Two Ernst & Young laptop stickers and a Tissot Chemin des Tourelles wristwatch – a significant downgrade from last year’s Vacheron Constantin model.
Post-ironic Club: A fake Supreme t-shirt and an Oxford English Dictionary with the definitions of ‘postmodernism’, ‘aesthetic’, ‘woke’, and ‘meta’ bookmarked for new members.
Honi Soit Society: a copy of Farrago.