Let’s talk about the three most embarrassing moments of my life, shall we? I don’t mind getting close and personal with some Honi Soit readers. It’s taken me some time to get to this point, to not care about what anyone thinks of me, yet here I am, sharing some of my darkest secrets with you. Let’s get started!
1. The Poo Incident
This is more stupid than embarrassing, though still pretty fucking embarrassing. I was four years old, taking a bath with my two other siblings. All was warm and normal, pleasurable even, until a small, brown flake appeared between my older sibling and I.
“What is that?”
“I don’t know. Where did it come from?” I asked.
My older sibling maintained that it must’ve been a leaf that had drifted through the window- until I debunked that theory by pointing out that the window wasn’t even open. Then it clicked.
Moved by my own strong conviction, I grabbed the flake and put it in my mouth. Luckily, there was a toilet and a sink right by the bathtub where I could spit the wretched thing right back out.
I sunk back into the water, continuing to scratch at my tongue in a silence that eerily emanated from one end of the bathtub. Then, with an ear-itching suspicion, my older sibling and I locked eyes. We slowly turned our heads towards our younger sibling, who’d been silent this whole period. As still as a statue the two-year old stared at us, squatting in the water, mouth open, eyes filled with remorse.
“Edwin, stand up.”
And there it was … a huge pile of brown shit settled at the bottom of the water. Not only was I bathing in shit water – I also consumed that shit. I could only scream, and learned from that day on to never eat brown flakes floating in a body of water again.
2. Golden Shower
This one’s pretty embarrassing, but I see it as a defining point in my life where I learned early not to care about what anyone thought of me. I was in Year 1, busting to go pee in the middle of class. We were about to start marking our maths homework, and I happened to sit right next to my teacher where she ‘couldn’t see’ my hand was up for a solid two minutes, and just as she saw my raised hand, she let two white girls go to the bathroom first, and told me I could go after we marked. Racism? I think yes. Anyways, as soon as we finished marking, I started walking towards my desk and couldn’t hold it in any longer. My tiny, six year old bladder couldn’t take it. I had to let it out. So, with legs spread apart wider than shoulder length, I stood there, shooting a hard, straight stream with the force of thirty-minutes-of-holding-pee. Then, right in the middle of it, my crush stood right in front of me as I blocked his path to his desk. We locked eyes. In that moment, I decided that I would own my fucking hard stream of pee. So, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Oh well,” as if it was common to pee in class.
When I was done, I acted like nothing happened, until my teacher came to find a huge wet patch on the ground. Then I started to ugly cry.
3. Moon Baby
Flash forward to my Year 3 swimming carnival, where I practiced the idea of “nobody saw, so I’m good”. I didn’t know there were changing rooms at the facility as it was my first swimming carnival event with the older years, and after getting my ego crushed by coming last in freestyle, I managed to get my shirt on while my naked bottom half was wrapped by a towel.
“You know there are change rooms down there, Sophia.” A fellow older primary school friend pointed out to me. I took that as a cue to stop changing in front of people, so I proceeded to grab my things with a loose towel wrapped around my waist. As I reached the bottom of the steps, the principal called everyone’s attention to the front, asking for silence. As I took the first step towards the change rooms, my towel fell. FELL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE GROUND. Bottom bare, I quickly bent down to wrap the towel around my waist again, hoping nobody saw my bare asshole, but thinking about it now, I’m pretty sure the whole fucking school did. I’d like to take this time to apologise to the people who were sitting at the front that had to witness that moment. I am truly sorry.