What’s on this week (according to your local pastor who really wants you to go to church)

Come on mate, come along to the C-house this Sunday.

Fee increase protest
When: Wednesday, May 17, 12pm-2pm
Where: Outside Fisher Library
Price: Free (wish the same was true for education)

When Jesus stormed into the temple courts, interrupted the proceeding by overturning tables, yelling, and driving both people and animals out of the room using a whip, he was condemning the greed and corruption of hypocrites — because Jesus was a protester (John 2:13-25). Be like Jesus (and then tell me all about it when you come to the service on Sunday).

Hack Revue and election announcement
When: Wednesday, May 17, 8pm
Where: Manning Bar
Price: Dignity

As you would know from my teachings — well you would if you came more often, but I understand we lead busy lives — “God gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5). How then do we respond to such an explicitly self-referential, indulgent performance as one specifically by and for student politics die-hards? Well we must respond with mercy, my son. So, go to this revue and the announcement of your USU board directors and “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36).

Science Cruise: The Hogwarts Express
When: Thursday, May 18, 6.30pm
Where: Sydney Harbour
Price: Access $45 | General $50

Despite the Pagan undertones and the whole Dumbledore batting for the other team thing, I like Harry Potter as much as the next pastor. Just as magic can be used to undermine the teachings of the Church, so too can science. So be free to go to this cruise, and drink merrily, but protect your heart from the vices, faithlessness, and temptation that science students may offer you. And don’t have sex with anyone unless you marry them beforehand.

Queer Revue
When: May 18 – 20, 7.30pm
Where: Seymour Centre
Price: Access $15 | Student $18 | General $20

Other pastors might avoid commenting on this one or comment in all the wrong ways but I am a new-age pastor and believe in a broad church open to all sexualities and beings (except fucking Protestants). So suffice to say, I’m happy to turn a blind eye to the whole “he who lies with a man” Leviticus thing and have the utmost confidence that this performance will be fabulous.

Interfaculty pub crawl
When: Friday, May 19, 4pm
Where: Cadigal Lawns
Price: Free

This looks like a joly time! Bringing together all the different denominations of the Arts, Sciences, Business and more. Truly, this will be a magnanimous occasion. May you drink deeply of the blood of our Lord and use Saturday to recover so that you can come in bright and early on Sunday for mass – Don’t tell anyone, but I hear this Sunday’s service is going to be a ripper!