Quentin Bryce Law Doctoral Scholarship

Six tips for keeping your vulva teeth sharp

Let's see that smile.

Vulva teeth Who doesn’t want chompers this sharp?

So you’ve started noticing a bit of plaque and demineralisation on the teeth in your mouth down south. Time to start looking after those pussy pincers! Here’s how:

1. Firstly, you have to be motivated before tackling your dull vulva teeth. Listen to some high-energy tunes and repeat some affirmations to yourself before attempting any new sharpening regime. Looking for inspiration? Check out some ‘before and after’ photos of others’ vulva teeth to get you thinking about what you’d like yours to look like.

2. The best spa day for treating your chompers is lounging by the  seaside. Sprinkle hot chips around your labia majora so seagulls peck at your vulva teeth. Their beaks on your teeth work just like like cuttlefish bones do on their beaks! Amazing. Excellent exfoliation, too.

3. Kegels are important for ensuring your razor blades don’t come loose — and there’s nothing quite like MRAs to make you clench your hoo-hah.  Try waiting outside (or even attending) a Red Pill screening if you really want a workout!

4. Use fuzzy ended tools to apply metho to your vulva teeth. Normal toothpaste simply won’t cut it — you need a top-grade solvent to wash away the smegma that’s accumulated in all your folds. Make that smile sparkle!

5. Legend has it that sacrificing your normal mouth teeth to the large jar on the Redfern Run grants you a lifetime of pointy pearly-whites protruding from your labia minora.

6. Vaginal lubrication is the best natural WD-40 for your chompers. And really, all you have to do is pick your poison. Whoever best butters your muffin — whether it be 90s boy band heartthrob Justin Timberlake, small-screen big-dick Jon Hamm, or even young pope Jude Law — a bit of fantasising is the perfect way to have this natural formula all up in your business.

Student services counters have been closed all across campus. Art: Rebekah Wright.

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