Australia’s party animal population faces extinction across large parts of New South Wales as lock out laws, early closing hours, and cashed-up idiots threaten the vulnerable species’ habitats.
Experts are warning of an “unfolding tragedy” which is seeing numerous students being forced to migrate as far as Greenwood nightclub in North Sydney.
Jake Rowley, 22, is the latest victim looking for a place to dance on a Thursday “that doesn’t require [him] to deal acid just to afford the cover charge”.
Rowley, who is in his third year of university, last attended the Greenwood dancefloors back in 2013.
“I never thought I’d go back there,” said Rowley. “I saw three kids from my high school racking coke in the bathroom. Pretty sure they were in year 8 when I graduated.”
Rowley’s friend, Xavier Lam, also struggled to re-adapt to his surroundings.
“I felt like the guy with Gollum eyes in 30 Rock,” Lam said. “Except instead of saying ‘how do you do fellow kids’, I was just yelling at the bartender over the sound of 2000s pop music that was older than everyone around me.”
However, there were some familiar faces.
“The bouncer is still the same tattooed dude who threw me out multiple times in year 12 for being a repeat customer at aussiefakeid.com,” Lam said. “I think we both recognised each other. I’m not sure who was more embarrassed to be there.”
Numerous conservation groups, such as Keep Sydney Open, have highlighted Rowley and Lam’s plight as examples of the catastrophic impact of nightlife habitat destruction.
“If something isn’t done soon, these poor creatures are going to have nowhere left to turn,” said a spokesperson for Keep Sydney Open. “They’ve already been to Scary Canary three times in the last fortnight.”