Got an issue with your partner? Don’t talk to them — instead, write a juicy Guardian thinkpiece about their flaws
"When I read all my failings as a person published on a huge international scale, I didn’t feel betrayed or disgraced at all. Just like any normal person, I was like — cool."
Lovers around Australia, tired of useless relationship books and pricey couples therapy, have found a new, inexpensive, effective way to solve their relationship woes: writing graphic, indepth, tell-all thinkpieces about their problems and hangups on the popular British-owned publication The Guardian.
As these couples are finding, rather than using love, compassion, and trust to overcome complex difficulties in a relationship, issues seem to simply vanish when one member writes a racy, provocative exposé of all their partner’s flaws on an international media platform, to be read by thousands.
Jacqueline Smythe, the 27 year old author of The Guardian’s latest hit “My boyfriend is pathetic boring mess — help!” noted, “It really allowed us to emotionally heal. I couldn’t imagine a better way to communicate with Terry than through an internationally syndicated newspaper.”
Bridget Moretti, whose husband Philip Moretti wrote the well publicized piece “How do I tell my wife that she, you know, has an odor ‘down there?’” explained, “I always tell people, there’s nothing humiliating or emotionally illiterate about it. When I read all my failings as a person published on a huge international scale, I didn’t feel betrayed or disgraced at all. Just like any normal person, I was like — cool. How can I use this to make myself a better partner?”
“Talk to her?” Moretti responded to his critics, “What good is talking to her when she could inadvertently read a long, accusatory thinkpiece about her shortcomings in The Guardian?”
“Some people seem to think my fellow Guardian lifestyle writers are part of a generation of young people completely starved of authentic emotional relationships, who turn to forms of social enterprise instead of doing the difficult work of repairing the hurt caused by differing interpretations of love and relationships. They’re wrong.”
When asked why they’re wrong, Moretti responded “I can’t tell you now. You’ll just have to read my Guardian thinkpiece about it coming out next week.”