An Open Letter: I’m Sick of James Cameron and His Sexy, Sexy Blue Aliens

A response to the upcoming Avatar quadrilogy.

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Before I begin I would just like to say, I am a huge fan of your body of work. I have seen the Titanic and Terminator films more times than I can count. Your movies took me by the hand, showed me worlds I never knew existed and pulled me in headfirst.

Titanic introduced me to my lifelong passion of sketching naked aristocrats on large boats, and The Terminator gave me the confidence to show my friends’ mothers the photos of them that I carry around in my wallet. So you can imagine just how much it pains me to have to write you, my hero, this letter.

But Mr. Cameron, I am sick to death of your new Avatar franchise and the sexy, sexy aliens you keep within it. I went and saw Avatar 3D in the cinemas when it first came out and let me tell you, I found the plot to be very lacking. And now you tell me that I’ll have to sit through four more Avatar films? Four more epics following the adventures of your gorgeous, glistening Na’vi?

What will the plot of the next one be? Another flagrant rip-off of Pochahontas? A shameless cashgrab sequel that recycles the plot of its predecessor? Or maybe it will be about a secret sex cave on Pandora where Jake Sully and Neytiri go to connect their queues in the act of tsaheylu, and make love for two hours straight and then exchange consciousness and experience the carnal delights of each others bodies before collapsing into a sweaty heap at the base of the Magic Tree House?

I sincerely hope you change your mind and do not make these films. Especially not one with the scenes that I mentioned above. I would not like that at all. Please do not hurry up and make that scene already.

Thank you for your time,

An aroused concerned filmgoer