USyd Replaces Online Sexual Assault Portal with Portal to Dimension Where USyd Actually Cares

Finally, a solution that solves everyone's problems.

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Following the disastrous rollout of USyd’s online portal for reporting sexual assault, the university has revealed its replacement: a literal portal to another dimension. This doorway through space and time leads to a world that looks and sounds a lot like ours, but with one main difference: the University of Sydney in that dimension is proactive and sincere about combating sexual assault on campus.

“There have been misleading reports claiming that we’ve been developing our online sexual assault portal for the past two years, which is grossly inaccurate,” said a spokesperson for this dimension’s University of Sydney. “Just one look at the hastily developed online portal is enough to show you we pissed that out in an afternoon. No, the real challenge of the past two years was tearing a hole in spacetime to a universe where student wellbeing is an actual priority.”

When asked why the university administration chose to spend so much of their time and resources on such a costly project, their response was simple, “It’s actually easier to punch through the fabric of reality than it is to enact meaningful change at this university. To be frank, we’ll be hopping over to the other side later today to have a quick chat and see how they managed it!”

Hunny reached out to representatives from the University of Sydney-B for comment but they were too busy at the opening of their University train station.