Frustrated by the result of this weekend’s Wentworth by-election, many Young Liberals have been left to wonder why parliamentary-hopeful Dave Sharma didn’t simply claim he was an Independent as a smokescreen for his patently Liberal agenda—just like they do every SRC and USU election.
“It was just plain annoying,” said USU Board Director Bob-Lynne Binch, “I could’ve given Sharma all my tips if he had just returned my calls.”
When it comes to deceiving the great unwashed, Binch knows every trick in the book. “During the USU Presidential debate, any time I spoke about being an Independent I would shoot a wink to the group of Libs in the crowd. All of us would giggle because we knew what was happening but everyone else was none-the-wiser!”
Francois Tamier, an outspoken campus conservative known for speaking freely about his lack of free speech, wouldn’t necessarily vote for Sharma but did have some handy advice concerning clinching those final votes, regardless of your political affiliation. “Sometimes you just have to make your constituents log into the University intranet and force them to vote for you as you look over their shoulder.”
When asked how that would apply to Wentworth specifically, Tamier grew agitated, accused hunny of mounting a violent protest and jumped behind the counter of a nearby LifeChoices tent—the threshold of which he knew, like a church, we could not cross for fear of spontaneous combustion.
While Sharma may have blown his chances at Wentworth, campus Libs are more confident about the upcoming federal election. “We’ve got lots of tips that we’re happy to pass on to any Liberals in marginal seats, and even candidates in our more secure blue-ribbon electorates.”
Their chances may be slimmer than in previous years, but they believe this is a storm that they can weather. “Look, in the end voters are savvy. You can’t convince them you’re not a heterosexual cis white male—trust me I’ve tried. But with a cunning strategy and a little luck, you can convince them you’re not a Liberal, and sometimes that’s close enough.”