Three in five students prefer committing harakiri to participating in “get-to know-you” tutorial games

With the start of the academic year fast approaching, university students nationwide are preparing for an onslaught of new classes. Rather than the strenuous academic requirements or new social situations, it would appear the thing that incites the most fear about starting or resuming uni is the “get-to-know-you” games often played in the first tutorials of the semester. 

“I would literally rather lick a bin chicken than think of three fun facts to tell a room of strangers,” 3rd-year engineering student Jason Elias was overheard telling his friends. “Like I would really get my tongue in there, right amongst all those bin-juice soaked feathers, were it a permitted alternative.”

Other approaches are being tested across campus. Enthusiastic and bright-eyed Japanese Studies tutor Jess Bosman reported being “slightly perturbed to see more than two-thirds of the class kneel, withdraw ceremonial knives and disembowel themselves in the style of the Samurai ritual of harakiri,” when asked to tell a fun fact about themselves in her first JPNS3002 tutorial.

“However, I was glad that it was performed so authentically. It is more honourable to die by one’s own tanto blade than fall to the hands of an enemy,” she added.

The Autonomous Collective Against Racism quickly condemned the practice as cultural appropriation, and rallied outside Fisher Library in protest last Thursday morning.