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Disney announces gritty High School Musical reboot for the modern teen

Coming soon.

Struggling to remain relevant to teen audiences, Disney has announced a gritty High School Musical reboot.

“We wanted to rework the characters you love, to give them a more modern, realistic edge,” Disney CEO, Bruce Chonk told The Rodent.

“Troy will still be the basketball jock, torn between his love of basketball and his love of singing,” Chonk reveals, “but this time, he’ll also be a date rapist.”

“Ryan is still the loveable twink of the original series,” Chonk says, “but now is in a relationship with Troy’s father.”

“Gabriella has a voice of gold, but now also has an OnlyFans page and BPD.”

“Sharpay is still the prissy girl, we love to hate, but now she’s also a Soundcloud rapper with a xanny addiction.”

“Chad is a star on the court, but we’ve updated the character by also making him a date rapist. Indeed the whole basketball team is.”

“And Taylor is a real change up,” Chonk tells The Rodent, “in this series she wears a cool hat.” 

Disney is conducting extensive focus groups to identify the hat she’ll wear.

Key songs for the original will also be included, though updated to the reflect the show’s new tone. They include We’re All Collectively Responsible for Our Classmate’s Suicide Together; I Want It All (It being prescription opioids) and Get’cha Head In My Asshole.

Chonk clarified that the earlier announced reboot High School Musical But With Less Hot, Actually Teenage Actors, hadn’t tested well with audiences. 

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