Comedy //

Queer community outraged that Gladys Berejiklian has been straight this whole time

Sydney's queer community remains devastated.

NSW’s queer community was shocked to discover that Premier Gladys Berejiklian has until recently been in a relationship with disgraced former Liberal MP, Daryl Maguire, who is a man.

Berejiklian, whose public private life, brusque manner and immaculate bob had led her to be regarded by many as a lesbian icon, has stated that she “stuffed up” by deciding to be straight.

“I am deeply sorry to the people of NSW, but in particular the tenderqueers, the hunties and my drag sistas, who believed in me.”

Ellen, a 24-year-old lesbian and Marrickville local, has taken the the news particularly hard.

“Young queer people today need to see ourselves represented, we need to see ourselves in movies, in positions of power, and being disgraced in ICAC.”

“I can forgive Gladys for getting entangled with a disgraced MP. I mean, what gay hasn’t?”

“But I can never forgive her for being with a dude who looks like a composite image of every dude you’ve ever seen on the slaps at the RSL.”

Berejikian chose to be with this man instead of literally any woman.

For a brief period around 3pm today, queers in a group chat Honi understands to be called “Ladies and Fagz” were sent into overdrive when one member erroneously anointed NSW Labor Leader Jodi McKay as the new gay icon.

Members were disappointed to find several minutes later that she is in fact married to a man who can only be described as a composite image of every other guy you’ve ever seen on the slaps at the RSL.

McKay (right) and her husband (left). I mean, come on.

Ellen said she will not be listening to tomorrow’s ICAC hearings, where Daryl Maguire (this is a real name of a real person) will give evidence.

“I’m not sure what sort of sick fuck would want to listen in detail about their sordid tryst. I can only imagine what he’ll say about her alleged involvement with his corruption, the way they hid it from the party, and their quiet missionary fucking.”

Many have worried that Berejiklian’s outing as straight will undermine her image as the cool, calm and calculating director of NSW’s COVID-19 response.

“Voters strive for a strong lesbian leader, not these fickle straight women,” pollster James Irwin told Honi.

“Now they just can’t trust she won’t be distracted by shoes, lipgloss or cute boys.”

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