Comedy //

Keeping up with the Berejiklians: Guide to love

Ladies, there’s a new famous Armenian family in town with a name you can’t pronounce or spell

Kayak away Kim! Keel over Khloe! Kill yourself Kourtney! These hairy-legged heartthrobs are here to stay.

Ladies! There’s a new famous Armenian family in town with a name you can’t pronounce or spell — the Berejiklians! Whilst Gladys showed us that “someone with a long surname and a woman can be Premier of NSW,” it was only when her story of heartbreak with Daryl Maguire burst into our newspapers and onto our newsfeeds that we began to recognise her true star power. But Gladys isn’t the only hairy-legged heartthrob out there, her sisters Mary and Rita are getting ready to piggyback off her new-found fame. Rita Berejiklian-Odom has a lot to handle with a bub on the way and her heroin-addicted hoop-shooting hubby philandering around. Mary Berejiklian-Disick doesn’t have it any easier though, she has bubs number trois on the way and her ex-husband causing dramas with his model girlfriend. But three things keep these attractive Armenians together: love of family, love of money and love of loving. We talked to these curvy cunts from the Caucasus to find out how they have men wanting to keep up with them.

1. Don’t be afraid to go for the nobody

You might think that a strong leader never goes for the rural loser, but think again! “You can’t let your social standing get in the way of the quest for romance,” said Mary. When Gladys was young, her dad and momager, Krikor and Arsha actively tried to set their professionally minded eldest daughter up with potential suitors high up the corporate ladder. But dating down does have its perks. “Duds are always aiming to please,” she says. “They’ll be discrete, go down for days and don’t expect much in return.”

2. Corrupt dick hits better

“Bad boys do it better!” the trio declare. “Good guys are OK,” says Rita, who’s now onto her second marriage. “But a man with flaws is the spice of life.” “Daryl — oh my God should I even say his name! — always knew his way around,” Gladys remarks. “Men who live on the edge can really take you to the edge.” “You can really tell when you have a man in bed who doesn’t give a damn, lives life like every day’s their last, and operates a cash-for-visas scam,” she adds. “When I found out, I sucked him on the spot. It was pretty brutal.”

3. Dick doesn’t need a label

Partner, boyfriend, sex slave — it doesn’t matter what you call it for this frisky family from the former-Soviet Republic… as long as he puts out. “You shouldn’t over complicate things with labels,” Mary says, “Just because your parents are traditional, it doesn’t mean you have to have a traditional type of relationship.”

4. Sometimes you need to come first

“Love’s important, but it’s not everything,” the lovely ladies from the land-locked nation, state. “Sometimes you, and NSW, need to come first,” Gladys says. Our pretty Premier was recently left heartbroken after finding out that the bodacious backbencher that had stolen her heart had been involved in corrupt behind-the-scenes schemes. “I’m still trying to process it. I feel like it’s someone else living this … It’s like I’m the main protagonist in a movie. It’s like I’m the feature and the film is going to end and my life is going to go back to normal but it will never be normal again.” Sometimes you need to put your professional life first — “I’m just going to say I have always put my job first, rightly or wrongly, and that will now continue indefinitely.”

5. Sister solidarity

The salacious sisters from the state surrounding Lake Sevan will always have each others’ backs. “Your siblings know you best, and you can’t trust anyone else,” Rita says. “Always make sure to have some sister-sister-sister time before your story makes tabloid headlines.” Before Gladys’ recent media pivot, it was the women with whom she shared a womb that she turned to first. Of course, make sure they’re sworn to secrecy, and that your elderly parents are taken care of before you make your ICAC debut!

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