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MURDER: Swapnik Plays Dirty!

Who? Weekly reveals how the incoming SRC President sinned his way to a provisional election.

Who? Weekly has learned the road to incoming SRC President Swapnik Sanagavarapu’s historic provisional election was marked with terror and blood. 2020 General Secretary Liam Thomas, who once eyes a bid for the presidency himself, was cornered by Sanagavarapu in the SRC Building one night and threatened out of the race. Sanagavarapu had apparently obtained the blonde wig Thomas uses to become his alter-ego, Connor Wherrett. 

Similar tactics were used to dissuade James Ardouin from running, as Sanagavarapu held Ardouin’s lifetime supply of R. M. Williams polo shirts hostage. A traumatised Ardouin was sent a video of Sanagavarapu wearing all 732 shirts at once and yelling “TRY PROVING YOU’RE A YOUNG LIBERAL NOW, FARTOUIN”, before eating the collar of the top shirt.

General Secretary/Entrepreneur Abbey Shi’s hopes for the Presidency were quashed after Sanagavarapu threatened to leak her tax returns, evidence of her inheriting apartheid money, and footage of her sellling international students to USyd via a human trafficking scheme. 

2020 Vice President Felix Faber, however, was not blackmailed, but instead murdered by Sanagavarapu. NLS members were sent photos of Sanagavarapu wearing Faber’s skin, accompanied by the caption “Guess NLS stands for ‘Not Long for this world, Shitheads.” Sanagavarapu apparently plans on writing plays under Faber’s name next year. 

Swapnik sitting victoriously as President in Felix Faber’s literal skin.
Felix, pre-skinning, very much dead. Murdered by Swapnik!
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