In its latest real estate pivot, the University of Sydney has revealed it will be selling its F23 administration building to fitness giant F45. All management offices will immediately be transformed into premium-priced group fitness studios.
“Looking at our recent finances, it was clear we needed to adopt a high-intensity performance management regime, ” said Vice-Chancellor Mark Scott, before powering through some box jump burpees.
Scott, who joined F45 two days ago, says he has felt the difference almost instantly. “Trust me — these trainers know how to achieve results fast. Would you happen to be interested? I could refer you?”
Under the agreement, F45 shareholder Cardi O’Vascular will also be appointed Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Education), while the deans of all faculties will be replaced by F45 trainers.
O’Vascular says he plans on bringing University education “back to basics” through military-style management techniques. “Don’t expect to rest, chit chat or leave this campus dry,” he said, commanding Honi correspondents to drop down and give him twenty.
In accordance with the “functional 45” training model, staff will now be expected to complete hourly allotments of work within 45 minutes, with short rest intervals throughout. “Look, the research says you’ve gotta work harder and more efficiently – not longer,” O’Vascular said. “Do you think I got to where I am today by asking for pay raises?”
When questioned about further course cuts under the new administration, Scott chuckled and pulled out a choc chip keto cookie from his gym bag. “The only thing we’ve been cutting here at the University is carbs.”