Reviews //

Review: Being over 6ft

God, it's great.

CW: mentions of suicide.

Being over 6’ is a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse because we are burdened with the knowledge that most people have a demonstrably worse life; a blessing for more than 182.88+ reasons.

Studies from leading universities such as Harvard, MIT, Oxford, NASA, and UTS have conducted comprehensive studies on the benefits of being over 6’. They include being at least 300 times sexier and cuter than your average person and 1000000 times smarter than people who are 5’ 11.5”.

If you intend on a career in politics then height will also give you an advantage over your opponents. This is because when you’re taller you are both closer to God (therefore divine champions), and have a bird’s-eye view of the social landscape. People who can barely see above their own shoulders are not in a position to lead; the general population knows this. That’s why 68 per cent of US Presidents since 1900 have been the taller of two candidates: In Tall We Trust.

Tallness is also correlated with democratic strength, and conversely, shortness is correlated with fascism. Famous authoritarians have all been short: Napoleon (5’ 6”), Adolf Hitler (5’ 8”), Pol Pot (5’ 9”), and Hen Bines* (5’ 0”) have all ruled with an iron fist. 

People who are tall are also better adapted to the climate crisis. We will never get our shirts wet when the floods roll in, can fight bushfires without getting burns (because we are heat resistant), and exhale oxygen while breathing in carbon dioxide.

Haters (a.k.a jealous cunts) will point to very specific instances of height letting you down: having not enough leg space on planes, a sore back while washing the dishes, and people asking you to reach stuff. 

Such claims are an unfortunate demonstration of the ignorance of shorties. If you check in to a flight over 6’ they instantly upgrade you to business class; over 6’ 2” you get first class. We also never have to wash dishes because the inferior shorts know their place, offering to do them for us. Speaking personally, nobody has ever asked me to reach something for them either. Being tall makes us empathetic and virtuous (again, because we are closer to Heaven) so we offer to help people in need before they realise they need it.

Finally, shorties know they have it rough. According to a study in the American Journal of Psychiatry, a 5 cm increase in height is associated with a 9 per cent decrease in suicide risk. Being tall is a reason to live in and of itself.

Rating: 6/6

*following the Annexation of New Law.