Welcome Week Whorescopes

Your stars are living, breathing, grieving and moaning. The entirety of the celestial beings just have just one thing to say: be a whore. Or don’t. Whoreoscopes update you about what kinky soirees your planets are involved in every week and when they are resting from their sensual desires. There’s a space for all divine fantasies, dear readers.

Aries: No one knows fire as you do, Aries. If Martian fantasies align with your sexual aesthetics, and Mercury is entering Aquarius, why not decorate your pleasure corner in celestial forms and let your kinks flow?

Taurus: The Earth is telling you to rest, and maybe your partner wants you to rest with them. Put on that reverbed jazz and nap in a park with your lover(s) or yourself, Taurus. Your body needs a break from all the slutting out.

Gemini: Gemini, use that quick wit of yours for more dirty talk in bed. Do not hide your best qualities in bed because they want you, all of you, deep down under the sheets.

Cancer: Time to get those uniquely snarky sex toy collections out there! Self-pleasure is calling for adventure as you dive deeper into your emotionality, cancer. If you are going to cry all your fucking life, at least moan a little in the process too.

Leo: Looking sick in that Route 66 cowboy outfit, Leo. Life-altering sex poses are on the charts for you and you are going to explore numbers beyond 69. Ace-high!

Virgo: Love cannot be structured categorically, and the Aquarius in Mercury is steering you towards not despairing at unpredictability. A casual, soft bondage action here and there does not mean your sex life is falling apart – it simply means that pleasure is impulsive (only with consent).

Libra: You are the epitome of an air sign, full of sexual fantasies and doodling in the adult Manga section of your bookshop. It is time for you to share the imaginations that Venus endows you with – create a zine full of witchy vulvas, gnome-like dicks, fountain nipples, Libra. The entire medium of pleasure is yours and we are here for it.

Scorpio: You are a ride-or-die, impeccably charming and passionate. Go out and have sex in spaces outside your bedroom, the realm is yours to navigate and stigmatising your fantasies is not in your nature. 

Sagittarius: Idealism is important to you, but sometimes people may be put off by your hyper-sexualised conversations and ideas of sex. Maybe have fun in the process, and use this energy to get to know your body better, rather than talking. Sex is embodied, Jupiter, and there is no mind without body.

Capricorn: Capricorn, while being economical is your strong suit, you need not be frugal with your love-making or self-pleasure time. Sometimes your partner wants to kiss for 50 minutes, and that is sometimes a time for you to get to know them better. Throw that clock out because slutting out should not have a limit!

Aquarius: This is your time to shine and you need to rest your avoidant nature. Sometimes going on bad dates and awkward fucking in the bar toilet is the way to live your life and probably cringe about in the future. 

Pisces: Well, if you are going to be immensely reserved, might as well use it for some spicy roleplay. Try out characters that emulate the sexy shyness that you so naturally exude. A seductive mermaid or a clumsy teacher, let the psychic inspiration take you over.