Misc //

Whorescopes: Week Four

Dear readers, this week's theme is family but I am not making any incest jokes. If your body is a temple, your sexiness drives me to the altar.

Art by Aidan Elwig Pollock.

Aries: You’re bored by the realms of real life and want to explore what sexting powers you have. Creating your own GIFS to express you want passionate kissing and intense sucking? Here to add it to my list of GIFS, woof!

Taurus: The constellation of Taurus has some of the shiniest stars, so I can see you fucking in the stealth of a starstruck night, on the grass of your neighbourhood park. Some contorting on the bench, escaping the mud, and sipping sweet wine? Yummy.

Gemini: You love quickies but long, slow fucking is on the charts, and you might find the magnum opus of your sex life soon. Slow down and feel the build-up of passion within you. 

Cancer: I have heard that I attack you all a lot, so I just want to say that you should whore out more. Sweaty encounters, sloppy kissing and a stumbly walk of shame might be embarrassing, but you make all bad encounters look hot.

Leo: Those gym classes are making your ass look fire, can’t take my eyes off it. Use it to sexy twerk in the bed and grind with those curves, what a way to heat up the bedroom.

Virgo: Take tours of the lingerie section and sneak into the changing room — quickies when someone else is waiting outside and you look that sexy? Rooting for you.

Libra: Watching porn with each other and laughing over it can be fulfilling foreplay. Porn sucks immensely, but an amazing bonding exercise and a way to get so wet!

Scorpio: You want a wine glass in your hand, a doobie in another, sleep naked in your bed, and stay on a perpetual high with crazy sex dreams. 

Sagittarius: Practicality is your strong suit, but shock yourself with new objects of pleasure. Little ice on the feet, strawberry on the lips and feathers on the neck? I see you giggling in bed.

Capricorn: You can’t keep your hands off them and the passion is sooo off-brand for you. Little touches here and there (with consent) make it all so exciting, don’t get too burnt from the steam in your room. Ouch!

Aquarius: You are in your sook and lonely wolf era. But the crying is going to change into moaning soon, just keep your eyes, heart and legs open.

Pisces: You want to unleash more of your sexiness on screen, so go make that OnlyFans account and give us a little sneak peek of what you got (I know you have got a lot of things).

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