Misc //

Whorescopes: Week Five

It’s election time baby and guess who will try bringing mediocre political takes to bed for some extra fucking? Your Bumble date with “moderate” politics.

Art by the Horny Soit editors.

Aries: Not all dates must involve sipping red wine and savouring caviar. Get that greasy Chinese takeaway, chug some cider ,and then roll up in bed for some steamy, homely sex.

Taurus: You are a show, don’t tell type of person. Have some rough post-fighting sex, tickle them with roses, and eat them out for 40 minutes straight after a long time away. So on top of it, wowza!

Gemini: You will spend some time by yourself, both sexually and non-sexually. On most days you are at work thinking about that hottie from two years ago, or just touching yourself on the couch with popcorn on your chest.

Cancer: You should paint and sip on a sultry night, boudoir descriptions on each other with some mead dripping on you. Spread colours on your bodies, and watch your stars align with each other.

Leo: Go do some backstage fucking after that rockstar’s gig! You are going to have some special time with a popular performer and the lights are on you, both in public and in the bedroom.

Virgo: You want to buy a new sports car for that suave, but where’s the space for fucking? Get a humongous SUV for overnight camping with fairy lights, and hot action in the backseat.

Libra: Indulge in collective care of your body with your partner. Feed each other potatoes for breakfast, offer foot massages, and hop in the shower together to slather soap on each other’s bodies. 

Scorpio: You’ve been the centre of attention on the dance floors and bar tops. While your standoffishness is mostly annoying, you with your tits out, knowing you’re the shit, is making us sooooo wet.

Sagittarius: Nothing like a quickie in the movie hall, isn’t it? Slide into their pants (with consent) in the darkness of the theatre, and watch the intensity of the screen shine upon you. 

Capricorn: If you like them and want to kiss them every living moment of the day, slide into their DMs. Stop putting yourself down, you are a walking talking gift and the other person probably wants to make out with you by the raging waters too.

Aquarius: Dating apps will look exciting for you, with some dick appointments here and there. No need to take all of them too, because nothing touches you as your hand does on most days!

Pisces: Pisces season is on the verge of ending, but keep the energy up! An edible on a Friday night followed by an impromptu brunch makeout session with your neighbour? Your season all along.

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