Misc //

Whorescopes: Week Six

Happy Aries season — disco lights are turning blue, henna is a lushing red, and people are partying their heads off. Pop an extra pill on me, quick!

Art by Bipasha Chakraborty.

Aries: You’re the star of the season so colour everything red, taste a bit of their lipstick remains, and sip on some merlot while slow fucking on your bed full of roses.

Taurus: Everything will fall into place and you will fall in the pool with those two hotties you’ve been eyeing. Fun three-way action in the waters, looks like things are flowing for you again. 

Gemini: Walk across your classroom and take that beautiful girl out for a cheeky drink. Make that bar a club, start dancing and invite others to join on the floor, and dive in for a smoooooch (with consent). 

Cancer: Stop sitting in a corner at a house party and indulge in some wacky beer pong, chugging cheap beer. So many people want to take you out, you just need to let yourself out. 

Leo: Double texting is fine, but text multiple Tinder matches and test the waters. Fucking two people in the same night, so on your charts. 

Virgo: Your mind is cluttered right now, but unclutter it with a sensual yoga class. Cringe naked yoga in the park, followed by stones on your back. Maybe that’s what you need to experience pleasure.

Libra: Some slow tugging of hair during sex is hot, only if they consent to it. Get your hair twirled during dates and pulled in the bed too, it is so hot for momentum.

Scorpio: You will find yourself doing classic impulsive Scorpio things. Quickies at a public toilet, slow grinding at a concert, or shockingly rowdy sexts? Back in the game!

Sagittarius: Your emotions are a bit all over the place but they will recuperate. Do silly, mundane things like getting early breakfast, doing kegel exercise and doodling your sex thoughts. 

Capricorn: Go make a move, Capricorn! Buy them a drink, ask them out for a horror movie, offer your arms for jumpscare cuddles, and then lean in for a kiss during prolonged eye contact.

Aquarius: You’re an all powerful source, the joint roller during a sesh and an inherent provider. Stop feeling that you’re too much and use your dominative powers in bed. Roar!

Pisces: Things will slow down and you will laugh again in bed. You’re in for sweaty, embarrassing yet passionate sex and it will be an eye-opening bed revolution.

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