Soundtrack to: Your first driving test

Clueless – The Teen Idols

Hey, you just passed a multiple choice test and this is crazy, but here’s a motor vehicle with the potential to kill everything in and around it. So, drive it maybe? Once you’ve reconciled the logistical insanity of the situation with your noble, automobile-related experiences in Grand Theft Auto IV, you know it’s time to get behind the wheel and run over some prostitutes. While you’re at it, don’t forget to amass an inexplicable number of firearms and violently harass law enforcement at every given opportunity. But, no drink driving. What are you, a savage?

Paralysed – Gang of Four

In his magnum opus, Voltaire wrote that “the safest course is to do nothing against one’s conscience”. Wise words from a wise guy (sleeping with your niece was a lot more kosher during the French Enlightenment, I guess). What this cheese-eating surrender monkey basically meant was: when the tiny part of your brain that isn’t already colonised by Breaking Bad quotes or the phone numbers of your various drug dealers is telling you to just sit there because the car won’t explode if you just sit there, then you should probably listen if you want to continue living. Until you realise you’re actually paying someone to just sit in their hatchback for an hour.

Ignition – R. Kelly

Robert Sylvester Kelly is hardly a credit to the human species, but if you choose to ignore the man’s history as a sex offender, this track is capable of making even a few casual laps around the parking lot an ironically suave affair. You’ve well and truly settled in. The pedals, the gearbox, the mirrors: they ain’t no thang. It’s like you were born within the metallic shell of this Toyota hybrid. Who was the old you and what were they thinking? I mean, why walk places when you can have them pedestrians on your motherfuckin’ windshield? Not even your year-long composting project can stand between you and the road now.

Richard Withers

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