DA FUQ: “Mainstream” “Party”

Some of the Mainstream Party’s policies are pretty sound, really.

For instance, they advocate the implementation of a pneumatic mail service, with all manner of items being sent from address to address via tubes and compressed air.  Sadly, a pneumatic fast food service would mean you’d have to stack pizza slices and all the grease would go to the bottom. I guess we could still eat calzones.

If elected, they would also attempt to smuggle nuclear weapons into foreign cities. Smart move, I say. There’s just no need to rely on expensive and totally flimsy missiles that people can just shoot down.

However, they also want a return to the gold standard, and that’s just crazy.

At first glance the Mainstream Party seems like a parody, with some mildly funny policies and some horrifically bigoted ones. However, the previous antics of their chairman, Geoffrey James Bird, indicate the party might be genuine.

Bird also owns the trademark for the Australian Union of Students. The AUS is similarly bonkers, but if they are a parody, Bird has devoted an amazing amount of time, money and effort to a joke that is mildly funny at best. He acquired the trademark in 1993. Three years later the AUS sent a letter to the National Competition Council requesting the formation what they termed the Austudy Payroll Deduction Service, which Bird believed would help them acquire more members. Bird received a letter from the then-treasurer Peter Costello declining their proposal. Finally, in 2008 the AUS contributed to the Review of Higher Education, initiated by the Australian Government.

This is an awful lot of unfunny work for a parody.

Bird responded to requests for comment but ignored my questions on whether the party was real or would run actual candidates, instead outlining his policy of revoking the citizenship of any Australian who is too politically correct. “Obviously there should be some latitude as to what people can think about things, but we have to draw the line somewhere,” he said.

The party seems to have been formed quite recently; they’ve only had an active ABN since November of last year. They are not on the electoral roll as a political party as of this writing but they have until the 13th of May to register for the next federal election. If come September you see them on the ballot, think very hard before ticking that box.

John Gooding

John Gooding

John Gooding is a reporter for Honi Soit.
John Gooding

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