Exclusive update on Iron Throne elections

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With Iron Throne elections fast arriving, citizens have declared their disinterest with the voting process, stating their indifference to the continuous self-entitlement and arrogance of candidates.

Responses to our poll, “Do you care who becomes the King of the Andals and First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm?”, indicated an extensive antipathy towards the empty policies of past candidates.

One anonymous respondent said, “I don’t need more fucking bars or parties”, while another presented a scathing critique of the process, stating: “this fraudulent election hides the true motivations of these candidates: to expand their resumes and centralise power within the kingdoms.”

Centralisation was a broad concern among citizens, with Northerners expressing disgust at the Iron Throne’s breach of the Northern autonomous space.

“They just don’t have the lived experience of living in the fucking cold next to a giant wall,” one antagonised Northerner said.

Rumours indicate potential secessionist movements in the North and the Iron Islands, where growing distrust towards the authoritarian nature of the Iron Throne is leading to mass anger. Balon Greyjoy, King of the autonomous Iron Islands, has also stated he is prepared to invade the North as a matter of ‘intersectionality’.

Despite these problems, officials from the Iron Throne are optimistic about the elections.

“This is a great opportunity for citizens to get involved in their civic experience,” King Joffrey Baratheon said. Joffrey is understood to be seeking re-election, despite mob attacks and popular revolt earlier in the year.

“Citizens should understand that their vote matters … we listen, which is why we’ve implemented bigger parties!”

Rumours that Joffrey is born of incest and is actually part of the Lannister faction continue to dog his campaign, although his campaign manager and mother and aunt refuses this accusation.

The favourite for the election, however, is Stannis Baratheon. Running under “Stannis the Man-nis!”, Stannis has a considerable college and conservative base. However, his religious fervour for the Lord of Light will most likely alienate progressive voters.

Other candidates include Daenerys Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons. Pundits have noted that Daenerys has a strong chance of bringing back the Targaryen faction’s control of the USU, alongside its current control of the SRC, due to Affirmative Action regulations and her two fire-breathing dragons.

A former favourite of the Throne, Renly Baratheon – a part of the ‘soft’ faction of the Baratheon faction – has resigned from the race after being knifed by his caucus, and left dead on the floor.

Finally, in an exclusive scoop, The Soin has been informed of attempts of the Grassroots-Wildlings faction to organise a coup of the Iron Throne. Their demands include direct democracy, non-hierarchical collective ownership, and literally eating the rich.

In other news, the Sydney University Liberal Party has denied a connection to the White Walker movement, a group encouraging resistance against reverse racism, despite a crossover in executive members.

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.

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