THE SOIN: Gillard Cures Cancer in Spare Time, Approval Rating Plummets

Federal Labor reached a new low in the polls this week with the unmarried, female, atheist, red-haired immigrant Prime Minister’s approval rating dropping almost 10 percentage points after it was announced she had successfully developed a cure for cancer. Pundits have suggested this slump is most likely a result of the highly successful scare campaign run by the Opposition, highlighting the flaws of such a move.

When questioned at a press conference as to whether she saw any meaning in this slump, Ms Gillard responded: “Fuck them. Fuck the lot of them. They deserve Abbott, those fucking hyper-critical sheep. I mean seriously, he hasn’t even got a platform to run on; all he’s done is criticise every single fucking move we make and then failed to meet us halfway when we try to actually govern the country for you fuckwits. I give up. Enjoy your dial-up internet and corporate overlords. I’m moving to New Zealand.” Gillard’s press team later issued a correction to this statement, clarifying Ms Gillard had actually mean to say, “No”.

Liberal Party members were quick to criticise this outburst by the Prime Minister, pointing out that they had in fact already developed their own alternate plan for curing cancer, utilising an existing radiotherapy technique that is fractionally faster and only has a failure rate in the mid-range double digits. Shadow Health Minister Peter Dutton prepared a speech to be read by more popular party member Malcom Turnbull, but was stopped at the door by spin doctors who were concerned it might actually look like a policy.

Broadcaster and philosopher Alan Jones used his radio program to raise the concern that curing cancer was little more than a jaded attempt by Federal Labor to reduce the ratio of staff to patients in public hospitals. “They’re just trying to run away from their commitment to increase the number of beds and doctors in public healthcare. Typical Julia at it again,” said Jones, somewhere in the middle of a two hour rant detailing the excessive lint on his socks and the high price of roasted chestnuts.

Nationals spokesman Barnaby Joyce unleashed a particularly virulent attack on Labor’s new plan to cure all cancer, stating, “It just doesn’t apply to the common person on the street, does it? I’m sick of the Labor party overlooking real, everyday problems like stopping those bastard asylum seekers from fleeing war-torn dictatorships, and instead pandering to fringe issues like cancer. I’ve never even known anyone who’s had cancer, but I sure as hell run into asylum seekers on a daily basis, and this has got to stop!”

When stopped in the street for comment, average bricklayer Joe Citizen, “Well, at first I thought curing cancer was a good policy, but Turnbull just seemed so sure that this was a ridiculous plan that just pushes us further into debt. I mean he wouldn’t have had Tony standing next to him nodding so assuredly if they weren’t right, eh? And God knows I haven’t got the free time needed to actually look into the merits of the policies of the people who govern our country, so I guess I’ll just take their word for it.”

Major pharmaceutical companies have also played a key role in the success of the Liberal’s smear campaign, running a series of ads depicting the average, working doctors who will be affected by this policy, played by a number of paid actors standing in farmland, wearing Akubras. Pfitzer spokesman and part-time boogeyman John Watkins explained, “Well, it just worked so well for the mining companies, and no one even noticed that miners don’t actually walk around farmland all day wearing Akubras, so we figured we’d give it a go too. These days people’ll swallow any old drivel as long as it’s on TV, just look at The Project!” The campaign has been highly successful.

The Liberal Party is expected to launch their new advertising campaign, “Stop the boats, not the cancer” early next week, in time for Labor’s next leadership spill.

(Tony Abbott was approached for comment in relation to this piece, but was unavailable due to a prior commitment of laughing maniacally at the gullibility of the average voter.)

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Cameron Smith

Cameron Smith

Cam Smith is a Sagittarius and his favorite color is orange. He's also currently heading up Sydney University's Comedy Society, in between avoiding actual coursework and donning the reporters hat for Honi.