UN: Australia doesn’t exist

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Governments across the world have started to ignore Australia. At yesterday’s meeting of the United Nations Second Committee of the General Assembly, Australia’s Representative to the UN, Gary Quinlan, moved a procedural to suspend standing orders. However, the chair simply ignored the delegate and continued the session.

Quinlan stood up to complain, but was snubbed by his colleagues.

“Did someone hear that?”, asked the representative of Kenya.

“I don’t know, did you?”, replied the representative of Guam.

“Must’ve been the wind”, the chair ruled.

The ALP excised the mainland of Australia from the migration zone as a measure to reduce the number of refugees seeking asylum by boat. The Howard Government attempted to do this but faced revolt from moderate Liberal backbenchers.

At a press conference today, the Minister for Immigration and Citizenship, Brendan O’Connor, explained the reason for the drastic measures.

“Well, by removing the mainland, people smugglers will no longer be able to see us when they come close to shore.”

“It’s like the Muggle-Repelling Charm.”

O’Connor and his press secretary then began arguing on the merits of the final Harry Potter movie and if it was too violent.

Quinlan told The Soin that the entire experience was upsetting.

“You don’t know how it feels to be standing with a crowd of diplomats and just not be … acknowledged? Like, you just feel their eyes staring past you.”

“The final blow was when the representative from Mongolia asked the representative from Costa Rica: ‘remember that country … uh– Kostra… Maustra… fuck, nup, forget it.’ ”

“Imagine just being ignored completely by another country, denied your rights, out of sight, out of mind – wait.”

Just after the General Assembly meeting, the Permanent 5 members of the Security Council decided unanimously to test nuclear weapons in “that empty place below Indonesia and next to New Zealand.”

Prime Minister Julia Gillard has applied for refugee status on behalf of all Australians following this announcement, but her application was ‘returned to sender.’

“The application had ‘who is this?’ written over it in permanent marker. It’s like we don’t exist.”

“Is this how Tasmanians feel?”

The Coalition of Aboriginal Peak Organisations has since sent a letter to the government that simply said “Terra nullius’d. Lol.”

Honi Soit
Honi Soit is the largest and oldest weekly student newspaper in Australia. Our articles, like this one, are made possible by our dedicated student reporters and contributors.
Honi Soit

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