Eurovision: fucking spectacular

Krista-Seigfrids-in-Finlands-Eurovision-performance

The Soin was on the ground at Eurovision 2013, exclusively covering the world’s largest and most extravagant annual singing competition.

Eurovision is renowned for its glitter, glamour and gaudiness, and 2013’s show was no different to its predecessors.

Highlights included Russia’s dramatic and experimental opening act, in which singers and dancers alike participated in a mass orgy swimming in a see-through vat of Malibu and pineapple juice.

Lithuania shocked and amused the crowd when its lead singer emitted multi-coloured fireworks from his arse, pinwheeling across the stage and hitting the roof in a spectacular pyrotechnic triumph.

Legions of hippopotamuses holding maracas and tambourines lent musical support to France’s otherwise lacklustre act, while heavily tattooed eunuchs wrestled in a mixture of jelly, rose petals and bicarbonate of soda while simultaneously belting out Finland’s toe-tapping number.

In a bold production decision, Ireland’s entry turned its performers into human profiteroles, pumping them full of clotted vanilla cream before coating them in Viennese chocolate and flash-freezing them live on stage.

But the highlight of the night was Azerbaijan’s performance, in which bedazzled pugs sung the song’s chorus while tightrope walking and showering the crowd with individually gift-wrapped raspberry macarons.

Drama briefly marred the evening when Canberra’s Skywhale drunkenly assaulted several organisers, claiming that she had been excluded from the event for being “too conservative”.

“Fucking ten tits!” she slurred.

“I have fucking ten wobbly titties and you bastards ignore me! I’m majestic! Watch me soar!” she cried, before being forcibly escorted from the arena by security blimps.

Next year’s competition is set to be held in Denmark, with officials already promising that it will be more extravagant than this year’s.

pugs

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.

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