Calm down, climate change isn’t happening

eco fascist

Despite not having given any thought to the dangers of global warming since at least 2004, the public of the world was elated this week to hear the news that their combined apathy has resulted in a slight slowdown in the overall rise of global temperatures over the last ten years. Scientists have put down the cause of the unexpected dip to a faltering global economy, the increased uptake of green technology, and the reduction in national hairdryer usage since Kevin Rudd’s fall from power.

Statistician Dr Blatent Faikname says it is unsurprising that scientists had skewed their predictions. “People who insist their p-values are accurate while running the wrong model are not going to give us a right answer!” he laughed. “Just because they do a Bayesian analysis over and over doesn’t mean they’re results are going to differ. Idiots!” Learning from past mistakes, scientists have refused to respond to these claims until they can fully comprehend what is was that Dr Faikname actually just said.

Federal Environment Minister Tony Burke says the government has mixed feelings about the reports. “The good news is we’re not all going to die in a fiery sauna now until at least 2080, so we can all go back to using our cars exhaust pipes as hairdryers. The bad news is that we’ve accidentally made Lord Monckton look credible, which frankly I think is a much greater loss for humanity than the health of our future generations.”

Jubilant crowds rejoicing the end of global warming have been seen world over burning tyres in celebration, turning their air-conditioners on for no apparent reason and tearing down windmills as a sign of solidarity for the coal fire powerstations who have for too long been denied the liberty to fill the air with their black clouds of freedom. “I’m just so overjoyed” said one ecstatic reveler burning an effigy of Al Gore in the street. “I no longer have to feel guilty for using my SUV to take out the garbage, what a load off my mind!”

But not all people were happy to hear this news, with the green powered island of Tokelau taking the news particularly hard. “Obviously we feel pretty stupid now,” says Foreign Minister Foua Toloa, “given we’ve invested all this money in renewable and free energy sources that are just going to go to waste. We’ll probably just have the solar farms scrapped, and use the money we get from that to import more coal from overseas. We can always rebuild them after the next global oil crisis kicks off, which shouldn’t be for at least eight years.”

These reports have come in the wake of a string of scientific turnarounds in recent times, including last months shock announcement that smoking doesn’t actually instantly cause cancer, but rather contributes to a slow process of genetic degradation. Cigarettes are due to be released back into school canteens by the end of next week, in line with the new national development programme of emptying spraycans into the air just for kicks.

Asked if he thinks the public have learned anything from this experience, professional media whore Waleed Aly mused “Yes, I think they have. They’ve learned to not trust scientists scaremongering about a overly dramatic end of days full of famine, heat and suffering. Thats what religion is for.”

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.