Amnesty letter writing fails: engages new strategy of heavy breathing down the phone

In the torrid love affair between the Human Rights group and the Immigration Minister Tony Burke, Amnesty has taken another step in the direction of desperation and has begun sighing erotically down the phone line late at night.

The courtship began with flirtatious Facebook messages during lectures, yet the innocent correspondence rapidly escalated into a full-blown epistolary relationship. However, when the notoriously persistent Amnesty penned one of the letters in period blood and filled the envelope with pubic hair, Burke stopped replying.

When asked in a phone interview about the rejection, Amnesty replied, “Hhhhh… hhhhhhh… hhhhhhhh.”

Amnesty has so far showed no signs of desisting the asymmetrical romance, releasing this audio statement very late last night:

“Hhhh…Burke…hhhhhh…I would jump your queue anyday…hhhhhhh…I have a visa to please ya…HHHHHHHH…let’s close the door, Tony, and scuttle into each other’s excise zones…HHHHHHHHH…I WANT TO FEEL SO HUMAN RIGHT.”

The Immigration Minister has since expressed his desire that Amnesty stop the notes, citing the fear that inbound letters written by people with funny names will overrun his letterbox and threaten the security and faux reality of his precious Western-centric world. The real reason is that Burke is afraid to love.

In other news, Australia is now screening season 11 of Border Security.

MORE CHARITY NEWS:

Oxfam’s mail-a-goat scheme ends in tragedy when the post office forgets to punch air holes.

“Who invited them?”: Vinnie’s Winter Sleep-Out gate-crashed by actual homeless people.

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.

Comments