Assange runs for Australian cricket team in attempt to fast track migration back to Australia

Just add baggy green and let him loose

Just add baggy green and let him loose

With the first sitting of the Australian Senate fast approaching, digital freedom fighter and aspiring bond villain Julian Assange has reportedly taken the unconventional route this week of joining the Australian national cricket team in order to expedite his migration back to Australia, seeking to take advantage of laws that place elite athletes above doctors, teachers and peace prize laureates in the Australian migratory process. This follows the abandoning of plans by Assange to travel back to Australia by boat last week, after news reached the Ecuadorian Embassy in London of the anti-boat ads hanging in shopping malls across western Sydney.

Although Assange has never previously played cricket in his life, Australian selectors have reported Assange is one of the best Australian players they’ve seen all year. However selectors were quick to clarify this was not a comment on the quality of Assange’s skills so much as a reflection on the sad state of Australia’s current test team.

Having demonstrated enviable net skills, Assange was trialled in a small game against Sweden over the weekend, with mixed results. Having bowled a maiden over shortly after drinks, Assange’s luck was soon soured by a questionable ruling on an appeal, and disputes arising around Assange not wearing his protector. With umpires seeking to send Assange away for a century, allegations contrived circumstances by the opposing team have also been raised. Assange has since pledged never to return to Sweden, for fears he may be poached the American Baseball League.

The move to elite sports by the former data-barron has raised very few eyebrows in Assange’s homeland of Australia with citizens reporting that after seeing Assange’s “The Voice” campaign video for the upcoming election, nothing will now shock them. Assange has however released a statement that the man appearing in the video was in fact not him, and that this horrific footage is clearly just a doctored work by the American government aimed at discrediting his campaign, as were the accidental preferencing of right wing parties, and the subsequent forfeiture of half of his candidates. US authorities have hit back claiming that while they would love an opportunity to undermine Assange’s campaign, they feel he is currently doing a better job than they ever could.

Current indications coming out of Canberra suggest Assange’s new cricket foray will have him back in Australia within the week, just in time for him to loose his appeal for the senate and be extradited to America.

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.

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