Coalition accuses Ketut of being an illegal boat person

Last night’s leader’s debate saw the leader of the opposition, Tony Abbott, come out swinging at Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, shocking constituents by claiming to have unearthed irrefutable and undeniable evidence to suggest that Australia’s favourite safe driver, Ketut (last name unknown) is an illegal boat person who has followed Rhonda to Australia from an undisclosed neighbouring country.

Mr. Abbott claimed last night that Labor’s “unreal solution” to the illegal boat people issue had allowed for Ketut to travel to Australia, in “flagrant disrespect of Australian borders, security and legal means of migration”- not to mention his refusal to respect Rhonda’s desire to move on with a “good Aussie bloke from the North Shore.”

The leader of the Opposition continued with his attack on the Labor party, claiming that Ketut represents the large number of illegal boat people who come to Australia and refuse to assimilate into Australian culture. Mr Abbott extolled constituents to closely analyse the AAMI advertisement, and to note Ketut’s decision to attend Rhonda’s reunion in native headdress and clothing, both of which did nothing to “accentuate his sex appeal.”

When questioned about the Coalition’s allegations this morning, Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey admitted that he was also disappointed by AAMI’s decision to feature Ketut in their new series of advertisements, without questioning his means of arrival to Australia. “I believe that AAMI is guilty of a certain amount of negligence. As an Australian business, it was their duty to fully investigate Ketut’s situation before deciding to feature him in an advertisement that has been broadcast across Australia. For goodness sake AAMI, you didn’t even stop to ask what Ketut’s last name is!”

It seems that the Labor party may have very well sealed the last nail in their coffin, two weeks ahead of the Federal Election. Julie Bishop has claimed it to be “horrific” that the Labor party had allowed for a situation in which the Australian public had found themselves beginning to “like Ketut.” Ms. Bishop claimed that Ketut had “lulled us all into a false sense of security” by associating himself with a safe driver’s advertisement, when the “man clearly does not believe in safe and legal sailing to Australia.”

A spokesperson for AAMI announced this morning that a “full investigation will be launched, and a re-assessment of Mr Ketut’s role in AAMI advertisements will be undertaken should it be found that he has travelled to Australia by boat. At AAMI, we are committed to safe driving, and this also means a commitment to safe sailing to Australia. We too, want to see an end to the dingy and unsafe boats carrying people to Australia.”

Attempts to contact Rhonda last night proved to be futile, and no official statement to the press has as yet been made. Rhonda seems intent on distancing herself from the whole debacle and from Ketut, having tweeted a picture of herself this morning ensconced in the arms of her new man, captioned “Ketut IS kaput.”

With no knowledge of Ketut’s last name or address, it really seems that Ketut is kaput. For those who have any information on Ketut’s whereabouts, they are asked to call 1300 BOAT STOPPERS.

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.