TOP SECRET Military Report

Military Report: For the consideration of Special Forces Agent Benjamin L Willard regarding the rogue activities of Kevin Rudd since the 2013 Federal Election

Arrangements are being made for your transportation up the Murray Darling River by Naval boat on the 26/09/2013 in order for the immediate investigation and arrest of Kevin Rudd, recent ex-prime minister of Australia.
This mission is completely classified and cannot leave this document.

In fact, you may as well burn this document after you read it because if you don’t you’re going to be in massive trouble.

But this ‘never happened’ so maybe you won’t.
I don’t know.
This is getting too meta.

Anyway. After transportation up the Murray Darling you must locate Rudd in his ‘Compound of Solace’, which from recent intelligence appears to be an abandoned ALDI in the township of Gundagai. Rudd has taken up residence in the building and from all reports has been forming an army of locals into a ‘Shadow Cabinet of True Believers’, reportedly a guerilla force he directs from the dairy and juice aisle.

Rudd has been reported to be practicing ‘unsound methods of campaigning’, namely unauthorised pamphlet dropping in letterboxes and walk and talks with bewildered locals from the city central car park to the back entrance of Gundagai Mall in order to avoid detection from authorities.
An informant, Brendan Gerwhek, executive produce merchandiser manager at Target Country, has contacted us over this matter and will be your chief point of contact and mediator between you and the local population for the duration of your assignment.

Once you have infiltrated the target’s ‘Shadow Cabinet of True Believers’, using any means at your disposal (it is suggested you attend their weekly discussion forums, in which the ‘True Believers’ participate in a crude ‘Question Time’ type of policy reform, the most recent achievement being the passing of legislation regarding the inclusion of bilbies in cabinet), you must terminate Rudd’s command with extreme prejudice.

Sitting him down in a quiet room and asking him if he’s OK is the suggested method of achieving this outcome. He reportedly responds well to the term ‘buddy’ and is sympathetic to personal stories of rejection, so if you have any classified stories about a friend backstabbing you for personal gain it is suggested that you would use those to talk Rudd down from his post.

The Soin

The Soin

THE SOIN has been trading in smut, smears and substandard reporting since 2013. Read everything we publish aloud in a British accent.