Unigate Presents…The 2013 Awards for Sydney University Excellence

The best and worst of 2013

good-job-21
John Kerr Award for Treacherous and, on Some Interpretations, Unconstitutional Dismissal:

Hannah Morris

President of the University of Sydney Union, Hannah Morris, was a key player in the – for now, attempted – dismissal of Vice Pres Tom Raue. Matthews or Waniganayaka will likely Malcolm Fraser his position.

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Augusto Pinochet Award for Biggest Right-Wing Coup

Jennifer Light

Student Unity member Jennifer Light accidentally goes from member of Executive to President of the SRC. That’s life, eh!

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The Law Library Stench of Impropriety

SUPRA

SUPRA Pres abruptly retires. Our emails go unanswered. Nothing to see here.

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Kleenex Two-Ply Extra Length Scented Award

BULL

We assume. Someone who read it told us that.

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Tony Abbott’s Cabinet Award for Female Representation

Incubate

One woman out of fifteen. Lots of money, not much gender diversity.

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The ‘Survived An Icepick in the Head’ Award for Most Intense Trotskyist Group

Socialist Alternative

Holy shit, they’re back. The infamous Trots were gone for a few years, but have been revived at USYD by an ex-Monash student doing a second Arts degree.

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Tony Abbott and Peta Credlin Award for Divisions at Home

NLS/SLS Split

Sometimes shit gets so real you just need to be with someone else.

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The Jesse James Memorial Award

SUSF

No one does highway robbery like our ‘student run’ sports organisation.

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Lucifer Award for Falling from Grace

Harry Stratton

Rising star of National/Sydney Labor Students, SRC Welfare Officer, candidate for Honi – the good times, however, did not continue to roll. He was kicked off SEX, and lost preselection for Vice President, 22-7, to a first year. Ooft.

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Pat Massarni Award for Most Litigious Politician

Tom Raue

As mentioned earlier, Tom Raue is taking the USU to THE SUPREME COURT. Let the games begin.

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Youporn.com Double Penetration Award for Being Fucked Over Twice

Jeremy Elphick

Something tells us running on lime green was his first mistake, and running on lime green again was his second. In a surprising turn of events, however, Raue’s dismissal would mean he’d be replaced by Elphick on Board, causing a third loss as his soul implodes while trying to sit through a USU Board meeting.

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The Joint Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor Award for Most Irrelevant Independents

USYD Indies

The ‘Voice’ Independents were once, arguably, the largest faction on campus. Now they have one councillor on the SRC and a fragmented support base :/

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The Prince George Award for Pre-Ordained Infant

Jethro Cohen

We don’t know what Cohen does, or who he is, or why he’s so involved as a first year. All we know is he’s destined to do something, somewhere, for some Society / the USU / the SRC / his CV.

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Honi Soit Award for Blatant Propaganda

USSC

The US Studies Centre is a mouthpiece for arms manufacturers, biotech corporations, the Murdoch press, and the White House. But they’ve got some neat guest lecturers!

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Clive Palmer Award for Shit Tonnes of Money and No Sense
St. Paul’s Alumni Award for Tasteful Parties
SDA Award for Useless Union

USU

TRIPLE THREAT: From Native American headdresses to a schoolchild themed party to a Day of the Dead party to not consulting the Indigenous community during their Indigenous Week to scabbing on the strike, the USU has caused fun times for us, frustration for others, and a lot of grief for itself.

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Kanye ‘No One (Wo)man Should Have All That Power’ West Award

Astha Rajvanshi

Rajvanshi was President of the USU from 2012-2013, and is currently the Immediate Past President. She will also be an editor of venerable student publication Honi Soit from next year. Time will tell how this turns out. Read Honi next year for more updates. Wait, hold on.

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Madeleine McCann Hide & Seek Award for Mysterious Disappearance

Andrew Potter

After the Dalai Lama debacle, the University’s PR head Andrew Potter just…vanished. If you have any information please contact us.

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Nasal Delivery System Lifetime Achievement Award for Inadequate Staying Power

USYD Wi-Fi

Ever been so excited, so impassioned, so close, so very close – don’t stop – yes, yes, almost there, FUCK… and then it just drops off? Then you’ve probably experienced the technological apocalypse that is Sydney University’s wireless internet infrastructure.

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Kevin Rudd Award for Most Censorious and Destabilising Force in the Australian Labor Party

David Pink

The current SRC President David Pink was the lead architect of the split from National Labor Students into Sydney Labor Students. He was also a lead architect in censoring Vagina Soit.

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Gina Rinehart Award for Successful Media Buyout

Liv Ronan & Robby Magyar

Ronan and Magyar both managed the victorious SEX for Honi campaign. Magyar is pursuing the Union Presidency, and Ronan is likely to run for Board next year.

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Honourable Mentions

Russell Brand and Katy Perry Award for Oddest Bedfellows: NLS and the Indies

Pavel Dmitrichenko Award for Faceless Man: Callum Drake

Two and a Half Men Award for Single Entendre: Sex for Honi

Biggest Loser Award for Losing Big: Evil for Honi

Christopher Columbus Award for Fucking Up Geography: Sarah Marriott and the ‘Hermann’s Beer Garden’ policy

Tiananmen Square Trophy for Public Space Management: NSW Riot Police

‘The Libs Ruined My Favourite TV Shows’ Award: Will & Grace Union Board campaign

Methuselah Award for Sticking Around: Rhys Pogonoski

Engineering Award for Drunken Hooliganism: The USU Board at Ed Revue

‘Holy Shit, it was Crack not Ecstasy!’ Award for Peaking Too Soon: Alexandra Brown

Schutzstaffel Award for Worst Initials: Sophie Stanton

Award for not Mentioning Alistair Stephenson, Ben Paull, or Caccamo: Us

Honi Soit
Honi Soit is the largest and oldest weekly student newspaper in Australia. Our articles, like this one, are made possible by our dedicated student reporters and contributors.
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